The sounds of love 

Q: I am a 21-year-old college student, sharing an apartment with a guy who’s been my best friend for a long time. We get along well and are very compatible, but an incident two weeks ago has jeopardized all that. I’ve been dating a wonderful girl whom I’ll call Jennifer. Jennifer and I have sex a lot — and she is very loud. My roommate (call him Casey) complained about her loudness at first, but then got used to it. So imagine my surprise when I caught him masturbating outside my door listening to us having sex. Casey, of course, looked embarrassed, and retreated to his room. Neither Casey nor I have mentioned the incident to each other since. To make freaky matters even freakier, Jennifer has announced that she wants to have a three-way with Casey. I can hardly look at Casey anymore and I don’t know what to say to Jennifer. —Seriously Skeeved Out

A: When you’re sharing an apartment, overhearing your roommate getting laid is unavoidable. The roommate who isn’t getting laid walks down the hall to the bathroom, and as he passes the door to the room of the roommate who is getting laid, he hears a groan or a grunt or a thud or a slap. It’s often easy for the roommate who isn’t getting laid to avoid further listening — i.e. he can continue on his way to the bathroom or turn on the TV or whatever. However, SSO, it’s not only the responsibility of the roommate who isn’t getting laid to avoid listening. People sharing apartments don’t have to have sex in silence — he’s your roommate, not your mom — but you do have to keep the volume down to something that he can drown out by listening to music or watching Cannonball Run on DVD. If you and your girlfriend made no effort to keep it down after Casey complained, then you were involving Casey in your sex life against his will. By forcing him to listen, you were drawing him into the action. Listening to a hot girl get the shit fucked out of her will turn most guys on. Of course Casey was beating off listening to you two — what the hell else was he supposed to do? Yes, yes: He should’ve stayed away from your door. But, if you two are going to be so inconsiderate as to involve him in your sex life against his will, why shouldn’t he get as close to the action as he can? So what about Casey, your old pal? Get drunk with him, bring up the subject, offer him an apology and accept the apology he’ll no doubt offer you. Then laugh it off: “Oh, man, what were you thinking, dude!” “Oh, man, I thought I was going to have a heart attack when you opened the door, dude!” So what do you say to Jennifer, your loud girlfriend? “It’s over.” Jennifer knew Casey could hear you two going at it — and she kept it up. Wasn’t it obvious to you that Jennifer was turned on by the idea of Casey listening? If the idea of Casey listening turned her on, it stands to reason that she might also be turned on by the idea of Casey joining in. If that’s too freaky for you, SSO, then so is Jennifer.

Q: What do you say to a person you completely used physically for about a month while you were on the rebound? This person creeps me out, and I don’t want to get back together, but this is the third time this week I’ve bumped into her and it’s getting weird/creepy/awkward. To compound the awkwardness of the situation, she was a virgin before. —Asshole In San Francisco

A: “Hello, how are you? I’m glad I ran into you. I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry about disappearing like that. I was on the rebound when we got together, and I wasn’t really thinking about other people’s feelings. I want to apologize. Obviously, we’re going to run into each other from time to time. I understand that you have a right to be angry with me, but I hope that we can be civil to each other.”

Q: I am a 21-year-old female and have been with my boyfriend for two years. He is the sweetest boy in the world and I love him with all my heart. The problem is this: After we have sex he pretends to fall asleep and then finger-fucks himself in the ass. I have confronted him about this and he denies it, saying that I am crazy. I am completely traumatized by this entire situation. Is my boyfriend gay? Should I just ignore this habit of his and focus on all of his other wonderful qualities? —Hope Everything Looks Peachy

A: Your boyfriend isn’t gay. He’s a freak.

There’s nothing particularly gay about enjoying the feeling of a finger in your ass. There’s nothing particularly freaky about a man fingering himself. What makes your boyfriend a freak is that he fingers himself right next to someone he thinks is asleep, gets caught, then denies he was doing it. Why would he deny it? Like a lot of straight men who enjoy having their asses played with, your boyfriend probably worries that you’ll think he’s gay if he tells you the truth — and guess what? He’s right! You do think he’s gay. It ain’t necessarily so, HELP. There are plenty of straight men out there who like having their butts played with, just as there are plenty of gay men who don’t like having their butts played with. (I hate the feeling of a finger in my ass, HELP, and guys don’t get much gayer than me.) The butt is not a magical place that only gay people can visit, like a leather bar or the Liberace Museum. Straight people have butts too. Some straight guys like to play with their butts, and it saddens me that so many of these straight men are reduced to playing with their own butts. Why is that? Because their girlfriends will think they’re gay if these guys ask them to finger them. As for your boyfriend, HELP, I think any guy who fingers his ass in the same room as his girlfriend — even if he thinks she’s asleep — really wants to get caught. The next time he rolls over, pretends to fall asleep and then sticks a finger in his ass, wait until he’s really going at it, and then say: “You’re doing it right now! You’ve got your finger in your ass! I’m not crazy!” When he denies it, you play your trump card: “Oh, really? Let me smell your fingers.” He’ll probably burst into tears at this point, which is your cue to say the following: “Look, I don’t think you’re gay. I love you. If the man I love likes having his ass played with, then, with God as my witness, I will play with his ass. But I refuse to lay here next to you while you play with your ass and pretend that I’m asleep. That’s too freaky.”

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