The junk food of love 

Q: I am a 28-year-old straight female with a great boyfriend. I want to share all my fucked-up fantasies with him — and I have, so far, except for one. I have these bizarre fantasies about him overindulging in really bad food and gaining weight. I am not a chubby chaser — if he got fat, I would not be attracted to him. But whenever he complains about gaining weight or tells me he was “a total pig today,” I’m outrageously turned on. I’ve had dreams where he just keeps eating and eating, and I wake up on the verge of orgasm. What the hell is this? Have you ever heard of such a thing? —Feasting And Tasting Sends Orgasms

A: Your acronym, FATSO, is nifty but your question seems contrived. While I know that some people are turned on by the scenario you describe, I have a hard time believing that it never occurred to you to tap the particulars of your fetish into a search engine. Anyone bright enough to come up with that acronym and savvy enough about kink to use the phrase “chubby chaser,” knows enough to Google their kinks. So I suspect that you know damn well what you are. I also suspect that you’re male and that you wrote this letter to get your fetish some exposure. But on the off chance that you’re female and Google-impaired, people who get off on stuffing their sex partners with unhealthy food and watching them grow are called “feeders”; people who get off on being stuffed and getting fat are called “gainers.” The feeder/ gainer fetish goes hand in hand with fat fetishism, of course, although there’s more to your fetish than simply being into fat guys or potentially fat guys. We live in a society that’s deeply conflicted about fat and food — we’re not supposed to be heavy, but many of us are; we’re not supposed to eat junk food, but many of us do. Intentionally getting fat or “forcing” someone to get fat violates taboos about what we’re supposed to find attractive; since being fat isn’t healthy, “forcing” someone to gain weight is subtly sadistic. By “forcing” your boyfriend to eat a lot of crap, you’re pleasuring him and hurting him at the same time.

Why are you into this fetish? It’s hard to say — and if I could tell you why, would it make any difference? You’re into it and a theory about why isn’t going to change anything. Since your particular version of feeder/ gainer fetish isn’t going to hurt your boyfriend — unlike some feeders, you don’t want to get him so fat that his life is threatened — you might well get down to the business of enjoying it. Tell the boyfriend about your sexual obsession. Then hand him a grocery bag filled with junk food and order him to strip down and eat every last crumb. Because he’s in shape and you want him to stay that way, FATSO, he obviously can’t indulge your feeding fetish very often. But gorging on junk food once or twice a year won’t kill him.

Q: A year and a half ago I met a very inexperienced girl at my college. She was very inhibited until she confessed that she wanted to be tied up. Her inhibitions vanished — but only when she was tied up. Now she’s dating someone else. I was checking out an amateur bondage Web site; lo and behold, I find pictures of my ex. I’m sure it’s her; I recognize a birthmark and the position she’s in is one of her favorites. She would never agree to being photographed and would never want pictures like these posted. She never even wanted to talk about what we did! So I’m positive that her new boyfriend is taking the pictures with a hidden camera and posting them without her permission. Do I tell her about the pictures? I’m afraid if she finds out she’ll drop out of school in shame. I’ve been twisted in knots about this for almost a month now. —Bound To Displease

A: A few things to consider: First, pictures posted in “amateur” porn sites are quickly downloaded, copied, passed around, and ultimately wind up on porn sites all over the Web. So you can tell your ex about the pictures, BTD, but she’s not going to be able to do anything about them.

Second, I assume that her face isn’t shown (you would’ve mentioned if it were otherwise), which means that only people who are intimately familiar with her birthmarks and her favorite bondage positions are likely to recognize her.

And third, your best guess is that the pictures were taken and posted without her knowledge, but your guess is based on who she was back when you two were together. It seems as likely that she’s more open and more adventurous these days; after all, she did tell her new boyfriend that she’s into bondage. Like a lot of kinky people, your ex no doubt finds it easier to talk about her kink every time she tells someone new; along with this newfound ease, your ex may have a newfound sense of adventure. She may very well have posed for those pictures willingly and given her boyfriend permission to post them. Hell, she may have posted them herself. Or maybe not. In your shoes, BTD, I would tell my ex that I saw her pictures. If she knows about them she may very well dig the fact that you, of all people, saw them. If she doesn’t know, well, then she needs to know that the guy who’s tying her up these days can’t be trusted.

Q: Are you crazy? “Female sexual reserve acts as a built-in check on male sexual excess”? Are you seriously implying that frigid bitches keep straight men in check? I’m a straight woman, Dan, with an amazing boyfriend that I fuck all the time. I would fuck him more often, but it’s not physically possible. Built-in check? Please tell me your assistant wrote that one! —Who You Callin’ Frigid?

A: How many times have you walked into a dark park or the back room of a bar and been fucked in the ass by a man you couldn’t even see? How many blow jobs have you given in a single-sex club in a single night? How many times have you chatted with a guy online for 10 minutes before inviting him over to your apartment to fuck your brains out? I’m guessing that you’ve done these things exactly, oh, zero times, WYCF. Well, those are the sorts of things that many gay men do — too many gay men, not all gay men. Fucking your boyfriend all day, every day? That’s just dandy, but that’s not what I was talking about. Straight women as a general rule won’t have tons of sex with tons of different people, although most are willing to have tons of sex with one man at a time. Men, on the other hand, will have tons of sex with tons of different people — or I should say, “Gay men will have tons of sex with tons of people — and straight men would if they could — but they can’t because women won’t.”

Contact Dan Savage at mail@savagelove.net

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