Squirts, spurts and speculums 

Q: My boyfriend wants nothing more than to have me pee on him. I really want to do this for him, but my body will not cooperate. I’m usually able to pee whenever I wish, such as when the doctor needs a sample, so this is very frustrating. I’ve tried the obvious — drinking tons of water — but it didn’t help. I’ve tried sitting on the toilet until I start to urinate, then stopping and running back to squat over him, but that didn’t work either. I want to do this for him so badly! Please help, I’d do anything for this guy! —Peeing is So Sensual

A: Does anything include blowing $350 on a large, incriminating, hard-to-conceal sex toy? This is not a sex toy for the easily mortified, PISS. If your mother finds it, you’ll have a hard time convincing her that you’re not crapping on your boyfriend. Can you handle that? The sex toy in question is called a Joy Rider, and it’s basically a toilet seat on springs. It’s a little hard to describe, so I’m going to send you to the Mr. S Web site (www.mr-s-leather-fetters.com), where you can find the Joy Rider under “miscellaneous.” (There are also a few pictures of a good-looking guy sitting on another good-looking guy’s face; don’t say you weren’t warned, straight folks.) While the Joy Rider is usually used, as one Web site puts it, “to facilitate oral sex, rimming, and penetration from unique angles,” in your case it might help facilitate pissing all over your boyfriend.

Here’s how: You’ve been peeing in one basic position since you were about 3 years old, and you were taught to regard your urine as filthy; it’s waste, and we don’t dump waste on our loved ones, do we? So when you’re trying to let go as you squat over your boyfriend you’re not only faced with peeing in an awkward position — itself a challenge — but you’re also violating the ol’ don’t-piss-on-your-loved-ones taboo. Buying a Joy Rider, PISS, will allow you to sit your very fine ass down on one very bouncy toilet seat, close your eyes and imagine that you aren’t about to pee all over the man you love — who just so happens to be underneath your very fine ass — but that you’re sitting on a toilet somewhere, doing your business where your business is supposed to be done. This, I suspect, will do the trick and you’ll finally piss all over your boyfriend. And, hey, once you’re done peeing on him, you can use your Joy Rider to bounce up and down on your boyfriend’s dick and face, as God himself intended you to bounce.

Two final thoughts: The Joy Rider breaks down for easy storage, PISS, but it still looks like a toilet seat on springs even when it’s taken apart. Keep it hidden if you don’t have a sense of humor about people thinking you’re into scat. And finally, after slogging through my daily dose of e-mail from folks whose husbands, wives, boyfriends and girlfriends couldn’t care less about meeting their sexual needs, I must say I was delighted to get your letter. What you’re willing to do to give your boyfriend what he wants is truly inspiring, and you set a good example today for all my readers. God bless you, PISS.

Q: I’m a young lesbian who can ejaculate. I have no complaints, but I’m hoping that you can give me some insight into how to handle the amount of liquid that results. After we get it on, our bed is terribly soggy. We usually use towels, but they get soaked. Changing the sheet doesn’t help, because it is soaked through to the mattress. I have tried to do some Internet searches, but only get sent to XXX sites or “women’s health networks” that question the existence of women who can ejaculate. If you know of any special products or Web pages, Dan, my soggy butt would appreciate it. —Water Works

A: You have two options, WW, both so obvious that I doubt you’ve given your “problem” much thought. First, there are rubber sheets. Sold by reputable fetish shops everywhere, they will protect the mattresses of wet-and-messy players. Since I was already at the Mr. S Web site, I checked out their rubber sheets; like everything else at Mr. S, the sheets are heavy-duty. A queen-sized, extra-thick rubber sheet, reinforced with nylon, will set you back about $200. Option two: If rubber sheets aren’t your style, WW, maybe you shouldn’t be having sex in bed. Have sex in the tub or on the kitchen floor. If you want something soft under your ass, plenty of gymnastics equipment suppliers sell folding tumbling mats. You can ejaculate your guts out on a waterproof mat, then fold it up and slide it under the bed.

Q: I’m going nuts, Dan, all alone, masturbating to half-assed medical fetish Web sites! Where or how can I find medical/gyno fetish clubs? How can I get into this subculture? If I can’t get on an exam table, spread my legs, put my feet into the stirrups and get some hot doctor putting a syringe or a speculum or something in my cunt soon, I’m going to go to crazy! —Sopping Pussy Really Enjoys Arousing Doctor Sex

A: Sebastian and Laural are a very nice couple who share your very kinky passion, SPREADS. They also run medicaltoys.com, a terrific Internet shop that’s been selling medical fetish supplies since 1998.

“Safe, sane, and consensual has to be the starting point,” Sebastian told me. “Medical implements, insertables, can hurt you if they’re used incorrectly. Anal and vaginal cavities are very delicate; they can be torn or ripped. You don’t want to do this stuff with some guy who’s as inexperienced as you are. And, for safety’s sake, you don’t want to do this with the first guy who offers to ram a speculum into you. She needs to do this with someone she knows and trusts. The last thing she wants is to wind up in a real emergency room having to explain how this happened.”

Sebastian’s right, SPREADS. Be very careful who you let ram a speculum into you. I always am. But where and how do you meet trustworthy speculum-rammers?

“Try your local BDSM club,” suggested Sebastian. You can spot the medical fetishists at BDSM events because — duh — they’ll be dressed up like doctors and nurses. If you don’t see any fetish docs at your BDSM club, “ask the regulars if anyone into medical fetish is involved in your local BDSM scene,” said Sebastian. And if there’s no BDSM club in your area, you can always use the Internet to meet people. Sebastian and Laural run several e-groups through medicaltoys.com, groups which you can access by visiting their site.

“She can start posting messages and go from there,” Laural said. “One of the clubs has 3,000 members, another has 5,000. They’re a really good venue to meet people, and some of the members are real doctors. But you do have to use your common sense.”

Contact Dan Savage at mail@savagelove.net

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