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BEST SLOGAN FOR THE LIONS

We Suck!

Hey, sports fans! How about them Lions!

Oh, okay — Hey, masochistic sports fans!

Forty-one years without a championship — the Lions’ quest of futility is old as the Edsel.

Clever MT poll respondents have picked a succinct new Lions slogan: We suck! Even sparse Silverdome crowds could spell it out, and it’d be a natural tie-in to hire Monica Lewinsky as head mouthpiece for the new cheer.

Like Monica with Bill, the Lions just can’t go all the way — in their case, to the Super Bowl. The Lions don’t even have a blue-dress memento.

Ten hope fiends out of more than 100 voters in this category wrote positive slogans on their ballots, from "Go Lions!" to "Grr!" to "It’s a rebuilding year" to "Win one for Barry."

Indeed, the Lions’ greatest running back figures in one reader’s heartfelt response: "Barry Sanders’ Personal Purgatory."

One unspeakable suggestion sounds like a move longtime Lions general manager Russ Thomas might’ve made: "Just trade Barry."

And incomprehensible conspiracy is suspected when two (!) fans wrote "We want Wayne (Fontes)."

There weren’t many solutions for ending the Lions’ parade of 7-9, 8-8, 5-11 seasons, crucial interceptions, fumbles, 12-men-on-the-field penalties. ...

"You lose, we booze" about covers the reaction of many fans.

So what’s in the Lions’ future, according to readers?

While "We’re better than the Tigers," "You’ll regret giving us a new stadium." So, "Wait till next year/century/millennium."

The last, hopeful word comes from a realist who sees great positive in a negative: "Scott Mitchell is not our QB."

Go (somewhere), Lions! — Dennis Shea

BEST HAIRCUT ON A RED WING

Steve Yzerman

BEST ALTERNATE NAME FOR COMERICA PARK

Tiger Stadium

BEST PRODUCT ENDORSEMENT FOR THE DETROIT SHOCK

Tampons

BEST AREA ATHLETE

Barry Sanders

He darts. He dashes. He cuts, slashes, zigs, zags, then reverses course on the head of a pin and in the blink of an eye reverses course again, leaving defenders sprawled on the field, clasping thin air and looking desperately for the socks and jocks they’ve just been faked out of.

Then he comes back on the next play and does the same thing again, only with even more flair.

We’re talking, or course, about Detroit Lions running back Barry Sanders. Otherwise known as The Man.

It is beyond dispute. Just check out the 10-story mural of him downtown, with the road sign pointing toward Canton.

The Hall of Fame is already a foregone conclusion.

Not only is the guy unbelievable, he’s indestructible. During his 10 years in the NFL, No. 20 has compiled some astounding stats: The only player to ever rush for 1,500 yards or more five times, and he did it in consecutive years, falling only 9 yards short of making it six in a row last year; the No. 2 all-time leading rusher, trailing Chicago’s Walter Payton by only 1,437 (which means that, if all goes as usual, he will become the best ever before the end of his next season); most consecutive 150-yard games, most consecutive 1,000-yard seasons — and on and on and on.

How much do we love this guy? So much that you will hear fans on local talk radio suggest that he should be traded to a real contender, because anyone as great as he is deserves to be on a team far better than the Lions. — Curt Guyette

BEST FRINGE BENEFIT OF A SHORTENED NBA SEASON

A shortened NBA season

BEST NEW JOB FOR MICHAEL JORDAN

Coach Pistons

BEST GYM TO MEET SOMEONE NEW

Powerhouse, Various locations.

BEST AREA FOR JOGGING/CYCLING/WALKING

Belle Isle

BEST PLACE TO ROLLERBLADE

Metro Beach

BEST LEISURE ACTIVITY PASSED OFF AS A SPORT

Golf

BEST SPORT TO ADD TO THE OLYMPICS

Bowling

BEST SPORT THAT REQUIRES NO GEAR

Sex

BEST BOWLING ALLEY

Garden Bowl

BEST EXERCISE EQUIPMENT TO GATHER DUST IN YOUR BASEMENT

Treadmill

Imagine the future of the home fitness market. Take the potential range of bodily motions and contraptions to augment running, skipping, flipping, flopping, sliding, kicking, etc.

Throw in monitors for pulse and other brain-body functions, direct electro-muscle stimulation and virtual reality headsets; run it all through the ever-more-powerful home computer.

Think recombinant technology without end.

Think Rube Goldberg.

Think mutating infomercials.

Shudder.

Take solace that on this side of the millennium, Metro Times readers associate home fitness with the rather staid treadmill, that standard-bearer among fitness machines.

Even though fitness machines make up the biggest chunk of the fitness market — $1.5 billion of 1997’s $5 billion total, according to the Fitness Products Council — they still merit dust-gathering.

Do readers unjustly malign the treadmill as the machine most likely to gather dust in the basement? Well, that’s the problem all exercise equipment runs against, says Dr. Ross Zafonte, associate chair of the Department of Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation at the Wayne State University School of Medicine.

"You find lots of people spending significant amounts on machines, getting on them for a time, and after a while, unfortunately, the equipment just lies there," says Zafonte. The novelty wears off, the routine breaks down. The dust coat begins to build.

The secrets of home exercise success, says Zafonte, include starting with a physician’s advice on the best regimen for your body and habits, rewarding yourself for success, and scheduling a regular time for workouts.

Break the routine for a day, and it becomes easier to rationalize breaking it the next, and the next, and the next.

Zafonte knows that pattern well, admitting to a two-month break in his ski-machine regimen before getting back in sync.

So go down to that basement. Blow off the dust. Walk. Run. Break a sweat.

Or wait for the strange exercise contraptions to come.— W. Kim Heron

BEST SPORTS BAR

Spectadium 2511 Livernois, Troy, 248-362-4030

BEST SKI/SNOWBOARDING HILL

Boyne Mountain

BEST RETRO SPORT

Bowling

BEST MARINA

Jefferson Beach

BEST PLACE TO WALK YOUR DOG

Belle Isle

BEST SOLO SPORT

Masturbation

BEST DUO SPORT

Tennis

(Sorry, no information is currently available for other years in this same award category.)

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