Q: I am a 24-year-old male somnophiliac that is, I'm turned on by the idea of having sex with a woman while she sleeps. So long as we have a healthy awake sex life, my wife says I can do whatever I like when she sleeps. The problem is that when I try to touch her in her sleep, she whimpers, turns away, and otherwise makes herself inaccessible. Only on two occasions has she been in a deep enough sleep read: drunk or passed out for me to take the liberties that she has OK'd.
It's aggravating that my wife is GGG when she's awake, but rescinds her offer when she's actually asleep. She is aware that she is not cooperative in her sleep, but has been unable to amend the situation. Do you know of any ways to make a person more accepting of intimacy in her sleep? I Loves Me Some Sleepin' Ladies
A: Ambien. Next!
Q: My boyfriend is a straight guy who likes me, his not-so-straight fiancee, to play with his ass. Sometimes I use a vibrator or strap-on, but usually it's just a finger. Can you tell me how in fucking hell do I get rid of "stinky poo finger"? Whenever I finger his ass, we stop fooling around so I can wash my hands and sometimes I can't get the smell off after washing for a good five minutes. I'm lucky he's still hard when I get out of the bathroom. Stinky Poo Finger
A: If his butt musk bothers you so much, SPF, slip a condom over your finger before you stick it in his ass. Next!
Q: I recently did a naughty thing. I accessed my boyfriend's phone while he was snoring like a lumberjack and found a picture of huge bare tits in his pictures. Grrr! I don't know what to do! If he knows the person these tits belong to, Dan, I want to know just how well he knows her. If it's a picture one of his scumbag friends sent him, I don't want to blow my cover. (Now I can't look at his phone for a while because he suspects I looked at it.) Also, we've been fighting and I decided to abstain from sex until he makes me change my mind. So due to our lack of sex, do you think he is using this picture to jack off? Talking to him is not an option but I do want to know if he is cheating on me. How can I find out? New York Chick
A: You and your boyfriend are pathetic, game-playing douchebags. Grow the fuck up. Next!
Q: My husband enjoys dressing up in women's lingerie. It's not my thing, but I love him and oblige because I know that he needs it. My husband has a close female friend; I was suspicious they were having an affair. When I asked him about it, he assured me that wasn't the case. Since then, however, I've learned that he told this friend about his fetish. I'm fairly certain that no other friends of his know about his dressing up, with the exception of old girlfriends and lovers. I can't imagine sharing such intimate information about myself with anyone except a lover. Is my husband playing dress-up with this woman? Dressed To Kill
A: How the fuck should I know? Next!
Q: Recently, my wife and I went to a New England oceanside resort an hour from where we live. You would instantly recognize the name, as it is also a gay mecca. I booked a massage. The masseur was gay. He started on my stomach, periodically brushing along the very top of my pubic hairs as his fingers glided along the very tiny towel covering my cock. Tropistically, I started to become erect, thereby elevating the towel; I apologized profusely. (Seriously, Dan, I was embarrassed.) He sweetly diffused my embarrassment by saying, "You straight guys are so polite." Then I got the best fucking hand job I have ever had in my entire life I nearly passed out. Now I want to go back. Might this be considered buying sex? But is it really sex? I am hardly attracted to him, physically or emotionally, and I have no desire to reciprocate. Ergo, is it "sex"? A Recent Rub Slut
A: I think hand jobs are sex, ARRS. But maybe you should ask the wife for a second opinion. Next!
Q: My husband and I have been married for three years (yay for living in equal-marriage-rights-loving Canada!), and we're trying to figure out our sex life. His sex drive is bigger than mine; plus he enjoys BDSM and I don't. We opened up our relationship years ago (with constant communication and boundary discussions), and it's gone well. This has meant threesomes and him getting extra action on the side. Now, I want some extra action on the side. His outside action is pretty BDSM-focused, which he justifies by saying I won't give him that side of things. But I want a little different-person sex, not different sex, and he says I should just have more sex with him.
Am I selfish to want outside fun, just like him? More Action Troubles Husband
A: Nope. Next!
Q: I've been reading your column since my early teens. I am now 21, in my first serious relationship, and thanking my lucky stars every day that your column was in the paper every week when I was growing up. My teenage brain soaked up everything you wrote. Your liberal views on everything from same-sex marriage to a person's God-given right to pee on himself if he wants to, set an example that the crusty old lady teaching sex ed in high school failed to.
My relationship with my boyfriend is perfect and our sex life is too. Thanks to you, I understand that sex needs to be talked about. I'm aware of my own fetishes and kinks, and I'm confident sharing them. Most importantly, you helped me see the value of being in a committed, loving, accepting union.
I read my boyfriend your column every week. Savage Disciple
A: Aw, shucks! Next!
Q: I had to write about the couple who incorporated lactation into their BDSM relationship. As a breastfeeding mother, all I could think reading MADMILK's letter was, "What are they doing with all the milk?" If they have a surplus, and they must, I hope they're donating it to a milk bank and not just throwing it away. It takes a lot of work to establish and sustain a milk supply and donated milk goes to the very sickest babies. If they Google "milk banks" they'll find lots of useful information. Mom Open Mind
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