Sodom and Ferndale 

Piety is not one of our strong points here at News Hits, but once in a while something crosses our desk that brings us to our knees in prayer. Such was the case this week when we received a press release from the Westboro Baptist Church in that land of enlightenment otherwise known as Topeka, Kan. Why would we care about anything emanating from the home state of Dorothy and Toto? Well, it seems the good, kind, agape-dripping folks at Westboro have taken an interest in our very own Ferndale, a tolerant little burg they deem to be a homosexual haven.

Giving a whole new meaning to that renowned Midwestern propensity for straight talk, the holy rollers at Westboro Baptist beat about no bushes (burning or otherwise) in announcing plans to demonstrate their displeasure:

“WBC to picket Ferndale, Mich., City of Fags, filthy beast Councilmember Craig Covey, and the queer-friendly dog kennels masquerading as churches. …”

We end with the ellipsis because the missive grows somewhat harsh from there on. It should be noted that the WBC’s wrath is not limited to Ferndale, but goes international. Along with picketing several churches in this suburban Sodom Dec. 22-23, the righteous will also “picket fag Canada at the Detroit border crossing.”

Leading the crusade is Fred Phelps, who has gained attention by picketing the funerals of gay men, comforting the bereaved with caring signs that say things like “Fags Burn in Hell.” “He’s one of the nastiest and scariest of all the right-wing fundamentalist types,” says Covey, who’s openly gay. “He makes Jerry Falwell look moderate.”

And so, fellow faithful, News Hits asks our congregation to bow heads and clasp hands as we offer up this reverent plea: Lord, we beseech Thee, smite these vicious pricks at Westboro Baptist Church with all the pestilence in your arsenal. Locusts. Floods. Famine. Lightening bolts. Pubic lice. Geoffrey Fieger. The works. Then make them turn the other cheek. Do it now, Big Guy, and do it often. Forever and ever. Amen.

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