Savage Love: Am I dateable? 

Q: I'm a 31-year-old white gay man. I've never been in a relationship. I've had some extremely shady events in my sexual history, including but not limited to meth use, group sex, using my body to get drugs from disgusting older men, etc. Now I live with my parents, go to school part-time, and have no money because I don't work. Am I datable? I believe I'm not. What exactly do I have to offer to a potential partner? I fear if I don't start to try dating for real that I'll continue to repeat my previous shady behaviors. Which I did last night, wherein I sucked five cocks and smoked a truckload of meth, although it was the first time I smoked in a year. — Gay Lost Cause

A: Would you date you?

I realize that's harsh, GLC, but someone who can handle a truckload of meth in one night — to say nothing of five cocks — should be able to handle a little bluntness.

Now back to the question at hand: Would you date you? If you wouldn't date someone in the condition you're currently in, GLC, then it's highly unlikely that anyone else would. The idea that there are millions of single people seeking romantic relationships with train wrecks is a fantasy promoted by Hollywood. People generally look for partners who are in good working order. No one is perfect, of course, and no one who wants to be partnered seeks perfection. But you do need to have your shit together to attract someone who has their shit together. If your shit isn't together, get it together. You don't have to be an Adonis or financially secure or without challenges, GLC, you just have to be on top of your problems and working to overcome them.

So maybe you're not datable right now. Your goal should be to make yourself datable in two years' time. Focus on school, look for work, save your money, and stay the fuck away from meth and the men who use it. Turn yourself into someone you'd be open to dating — not a perfect person, but a person in good working order, a person with his shit together — and then you'll be datable.

Q: Is it weird to find cochlear implants (a device for people with profound hearing loss that looks like a plastic circle implanted in their skull) attractive on twentysomething guys? I don't know if it's because I work in a field related to audiology or because it makes them look kind of vulnerable but cool at the same time. I saw two guys in a row this week with them, and I was like, damn. Is this weird? If not, how do I pick these boys up? — Love Implant Boys

A: It is weird, LIB, but that shouldn't stop you from pursuing attractive boys with cochlear implants. And you pick those boys up the same way you pick up boys who don't have cochlear implants: You smile at them, you talk to them, you flirt with them. If you establish that the attraction is mutual, you hang out, you make out, you fuck 'em silly. You don't necessarily have to disclose that their cochlear implants were what initially drew your eye, LIB, but be sure to tell them that isn't the only thing you find attractive about them if you do disclose.

Q: I'm writing about the premature ejaculation guy in last week's column who wanted tricks for guys who are uncut and too sensitive. I'm uncut and the head of my cock was really sensitive, just like UNCUT, but my problem wasn't premature ejaculation. As a young man, the head of my penis was so sensitive that sexual contact with anything other than my own hand was unpleasant. Knowing I didn't want to have an unsatisfying sex life forever, I decided to desensitize my dick. I started by keeping my foreskin retracted in the shower. At first, even water running over it was extremely uncomfortable. Then once that made enough progress, I started keeping my foreskin retracted inside my underwear for as long as I could stand it each day. Eventually things improved to the point that sexual contact with someone else was no longer the challenge it had been. This was a gradual process, though it was so long ago now, I couldn't tell you if it took weeks or months. But I got to do it at my own pace and stopped once the sensitivity level was working for me. — Happy To Have A Hoodie

Thanks for sharing, HTHAH./p>

This week on the Lovecast, the perils of vibrator addiction:

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