Out come the freaks

Q: I am a 23-year-old lesbian in a relationship of three months. In these three months, I have been tied up, spanked, cut, burned and put on display for strangers at her request because she likes it and I'm GGG. My one and only kink is that I get a deep sexual thrill out of popping zits. She only gets zits when she's on her period and she hates, hates, hates being touched during her period. She is also terrified that popping her zits will give her scars. I don't think she's being fair, but she is not budging.

On the one hand, we're very compatible and I could really see this relationship going somewhere. On the other hand, three months doesn't make me so attached that I'll be crying in my corn flakes if I end it. I'm also not thrilled that she's not GGG for me. She has suggested I find someone else to get my zit-popping groove on with, but I don't like being with more than one person at a time.

So what do you think? Keep trying to convince her it doesn't have to scar, or just DTMFA and hold out for a gal who's more willing to be groomed? —Dyke Making Decisions

A: Your letter may be total bullshit, DMD, but I'm running it to appease the whiners out there who bitch every time my column touches on politics. Last week's Haggard-Santorum hoedown resulted in some particularly scathing e-mails. "Enough with the politics," whiners whined. "Bring back the freaks!"

Lesbians spanking, cutting, burning and zit-popping — that's some freaky shit. Lap it up, whiners.

OK, DMD, while your kink may be less common than your girlfriend's hardcore BDSM kinks, you have more leverage at your disposal here than you realize. As icky as your kink is, you will have a much easier time finding a new girlfriend. Your next girlfriend may allow you to pop her zits grudgingly, and only in private, and may have a laugh at your expense before, during and after, but she'll probably go there. Girls who are into or willing to be spanked, cut, burned, tied up and publicly displayed are much harder to find.

So drop a bomb, DMD: She submits to a monthly zit-popping session to keep you — indulgent you, GGG you — in her life. If she can't or won't, bolt.

Q: I'm an 18-year-old female college student in New York City — of average weight and attractive in the face. With all the freaky people out there, you would think I would be able to find a guy to satisfy my kinky side. I'm extremely dominant — in and out of the bedroom. Most of the submissive guys I find are 50-year-old white men. When I do find younger guys who are into the whole submissive thing, they just want sex and not a relationship. Where can I find a submissive 18-year-old guy interested in a serious relationship? —All About Me

P.S. When I say dominant, I mean I get off on inflicting pain, the whole nine yards.

A: Another kinky woman, whiners — and a teenage one at that. You're welcome.

OK, AAM, at your age you can't have found, much less played with, more than a handful of subs close to your own age. As your sample of New York City's teen subs is so small, you should refrain from drawing any broad conclusions about this relatively large group of men. While some young sub males may not be into relationships (just like many nonsub young males), I would guess the majority are looking for love and hard-to-explain-at-the-gym bruises.

So why haven't any of the subs you've played with wanted a relationship? Well, AAM, some were probably not interested in relationships, as you hypothesize, while others simply weren't interested in a relationship with you. Sexual compatibility and emotional compatibility do not necessarily go hand in hand, AAM. The sub guys you meet via Internet personals and through BDSM groups who dig your attractive face, average weight and pain-infliction technique may be repulsed by your personality or your politics. Like any other woman in New York City — 18 or older, black or white, kinky or vanilla — you're just going to have to hang in there until you meet a guy who digs everything you have to offer.

Q: I have this extreme fetish. I fantasize about wrestling with a guy while wearing slippery, smooth stockings or garter belts and pantyhose. The slipperier the nylons the hornier it makes me. I have made contacts in an attempt to connect with another guy and live out my fantasy, but I've always chickened out at the last second. The thought of intertwining legs with another guy and rubbing our slippery, smooth nylons together and grinding cock to cock, to mutual and repeated orgasms, makes me incredibly hot. I would even do it with a woman.

First of all, am I gay or bi? I am happily married, but my wife totally despises the idea of my fantasy. Should I hire a male escort? I want to wrestle another person while both of us are wearing nylons so badly that it's driving me crazy to the point where it almost hurts. Please help. —Nylon Lover

A: The answer to your first question — gay or bi? — is a big, fat, fucking, faggoty yes, NL, definitely one or the other.

Moving on, you wanna wrestle with another guy while wearing nylons and grinding your cocks together — and you want this so badly you would even settle for doing it with a woman. If that's how you presented it to the wife, NL, then there's a good reason she despises your fantasy. No woman wants to feel like some sort of vag-havin' bummer of a consolation prize.

But if you presented your relatively harmless fantasy to your wife as something you wanted to do with her and she flat-out refused and you will absolutely, positively lose your mind if you don't get to do this with someone, then I support hiring a pro. It's cases like yours, NL, that earn male escorts their angel wings. The pro steps in, safely meets a crazy-making need, and then quietly disappears. (Unless you're a lying evangelical minister, in which case the pro should immediately call a press conference.) Peace and harmony are restored and the "happily" married couple remains "happily" married.

Oh, and speaking of male escorts who've earned their wings: Gay blogger Joe My God thinks we all need to show some love to Mike Jones, the escort who outed Pastor Ted "Meth Head" Haggard. "The major gay-rights organizations have extended [Jones] nothing but 10-foot poles," writes Joe. "He is unemployed, and I imagine that for at least the short future, he is unemployable. He is facing the potential of huge legal bills. He has received death threats from Haggard's followers. ... Gentle readers, you and I owe Mike Jones a debt of gratitude." Joe suggests we make good on that debt by tossing Jones a few bucks via PayPal. "Send him the $10 you would have spent buying him drinks if you ran into him in a bar."

I made a donation — now go make yours. Donations can be made at paypal.com to Jones's e-mail address, [email protected].

Confidential to Hannah: There's no point stressing out over being "half of 70." And there's no shame in working in public radio. Tell Steve Inskeep I said hello.