Q: I don’t expect you’ll print my letter, since it’s just one more irate letter from a “furry freak.” Besides, you’ve already passed your judgment: Furries are “sick” because ... well, apparently because we exist. But we don’t like it when some media wag looks down his nose at us and then invites the public to laugh at us. And frankly, I’m a bit puzzled by your condemnation of furries as “sick” because we like to fantasize. (This from a guy who publishes his desire to jack off in the face of a celebrity he’ll probably never even meet!) As for the subject of what is sick and what isn’t, I’d rather be a human being who indulges in a bit of harmless furry fantasy than a self-styled cynical misanthrope. —Otter
A: Christ, you furries have such thin skins — no, wait. That was insensitive of me. You furries have such thin hides. Otter, the “sick” comment was a joke, not a diagnosis. You furries are overreacting to the relatively tame jokes being made at your expense in my column, on MTV and in Vanity Fair. You see, in human culture we sometimes crack jokes to express and purge discomfort, and to take the piss out of each other. Why are you coming in for so much ribbing just now? Until recently very few people outside your fantasy world knew you existed. No awareness, no jokes. Now that your subculture is getting some attention — attention you’ve invited — jokes are being told at your expense, just as jokes are told at the expense of Star Trek fans, born-again Christians, gays, CEOs, potheads, George W. Bush, hookers and Ann Coulter. You’re only coming in for your fair share of ridicule, Otter. Even after people accept this furry nonsense for what it is — good, clean (and hopefully Scotchgarded) fun — people are still going to crack jokes. Deal with it. As for me, does wanting to jack off in the face of a celebrity I’ll never even meet make me a sicko? You bet it does — and you have every right to make fun of me for it. We all have a right to enjoy our own desires, perversions and hobbies, however ridiculous they might seem. Other people have a concurrent right to crack jokes at our expense. I make fun of you, you make fun of me. See how that works?
Q: Terrific, Dan. Not one, but two weeks of being bored silly by your column because you chose to devote it to furries. What’s next, a column about people who can only have orgasms while slathered in Spam? Dan, please keep it real! —Fuck Furries
A: Oh, shit ... we were well on our way to three weeks of columns devoted to furries when I got your letter. Thanks for reminding me to keep it real. To enjoy real pictures of girls slathered in beans, milk, yogurt and Spam — the processed meat, not the e-mail from Nigerians who want to wire $75 million to your bank account — check out wetandmessyfetishgirls.com.
Q: In the interest of getting away from the nightmare-inducing world of furries, I have a question about another fetish. I am a gay male with unusually large testicles. Judging from the boyfriends I’ve had and the porn I’ve seen, my balls are bigger than most. Are there people out there who would fetishize my freakish nuts? A rudimentary Internet search turned up nothing. —Testicular Bonanza
A: I didn’t have any luck finding fetish sites devoted to big balls, TB, but if you Google the phrase “scrotal infusion,” you’ll find a handful of sites devoted to the practice of injecting saline solution into scrotums; some guys can blow their sacs up to the size of basketballs. (The saline is gradually absorbed into the body, returning the scrotum to its pre-infusion size.) I hope this doesn’t rile up the scrotal-infusion community, but the pictures on the SI sites are much, much sicker than the shit on furry sites. Finally, while I couldn’t find a Web site or a fetish club devoted to naturally big balls, if there’s a fetish or a group or a club for big-ball lovers, gay or straight, someone who reads this column knows about it. Guys?
Q: I have a girlfriend and everything is pretty good. However, she has yet to give up her ass to me. She says that’s for her husband on their wedding night, so she can offer him something that no other man has ever had. I told her in order to get me to marry her, she must give up her ass first. Either way, she’s scared and thinks it will hurt. Do you have any suggestions on how I might be able to sway her? —Hot For Butt Lovin’
A: To hurry the giving-up process along, show the girlfriend how much fun anal sex is by giving up your own ass. Once she sees how much fun you’re having while she pounds away at your ass with a huge strap-on, she’ll be anxious to try it out, ring or no ring. Or were you saving your ass for the wedding night too?
Q: Allow me a brief introductory sentence, in which I shall convey to you the wonderment that is the result of my gleaming genes and my incredible chemical composition. “Mr. Z,” is a fastidious dresser. Alas, “Mr. Z” cannot find love. All “Mr. Z” wants is a warm body to dance with beneath the moonlight. Help Mr. Z! —Mr. Z
A: Perhaps Mr. Z isn’t getting any because Mr. Z is far too annoying to fuck.
Q: Last night, the guy that I’m hooking up with came on my face. It totally grossed me out. I didn’t want to be all sticky; I spent the rest of the night just wanting to crawl out of bed and take a shower. How do I put a stop to this before it becomes a big thing? —Woman Enraged Totally
A: Come on, WET! When a guy does something to you in bed that you don’t like — comes on your face, smears Spam on your tits, insists he’s an otter — tell him you don’t like it! It’s called feedback, and it’s not something you should be shy about sharing. Any man who reacts badly to, “Hey, honey, I didn’t dig that, so let’s not do that again,” isn’t someone you want to be with anyway. And before the letters pour in telling me that poor, defenseless WET was raped, let me get this on the record: It’s difficult to sneak up on someone and come all over their face. I suspect that WET’s “abuser,” as he is sure to be described in 8,000 angry e-mails, was either getting a blow job or beating off an inch or so from her nose the moment before he came on her face. WET or anyone in a similar position who has strong feelings about where a guy should or shouldn’t come needs to speak up before the guy comes. Yes, yes: WET’s “abuser” is to be faulted for assuming it was OK to come on her face in the first place, but WET shouldn’t assume that the men she goes to bed with are considerate, thoughtful or psychic.Contact Dan Savage at firstname.lastname@example.org
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