Kleagles for Kwame! 

From: Grand Wizard Jeeter B. Fatback, Imperial Knights of the Ku Klux Klan. To: All Kleagles, Skinheads, Neo-Nazis and Various Unaffiliated Racists who Define Theyselves as White. Excepting the Many FBI Agents Who May Now Be a Majority of Our Ranks (Damn Them!)

Re: Need To Get Behind Komrade Kwame Kilpatrick

Brethern and Cistern:

These are tough and parlous times for all of us true Amerikans of the White Citizens' Movement. Nobody gives a hoot these days if a buck is seen holding a white gal's hand, not even in Zinc, Ark., where we have our national headquarters in that shed with the corrugated iron roof. Nobody cares no more how big the Negroes are, or how close they live to our daughters, or rich. They got senators now and governors and packs of congressmen.

They got corporate executives and executrixes. Even Dubya got a black woman with teeth like a bottle opener bossing him on foreign affairs, which is probably why we are still losing that war in Irak that don't make no sense if gas prices don't come down.

And if you ain't been possum hunting all year without a Jap radio, you know what's worst of all: The Democratic Party, once home to Nathan Bedford and Jefferson Davis and George Corley Wallace (before he sold out) is going to nominate a Negro for President.

Worse, a Negro with a first name straight outta Africa, and one who talks real good. (He has a pretend Irish last name, but it don't fool nobody.) You'd think he wouldn't have a chance, but all the Repubs got is some old military guy who seems embalmed mosta the time, and who when he is awake laughs like those weirdoes Beavis and Butt-head Cooter usta watch over at the gas station in the '80s.

This McCain ain't no prize, especially since he also seems to love the Jews more than his own people, and is controlled by that Senator Lieberthal. (The preachers say it ain't too good to have a candidate with the name of Cain, neither.) But as poorly a horse as he is, still he is our onliest hope to save the white race.

And the polls show there ain't a lot of hope right now. Except we got one ace in the whole: The mayor of Dee-troit, Kwame Kilpatrick. We couldn't ask for better. If the great D.W. Griffith showed up back from the dead tomorrow he couldn't have done a better job depickting a black mayor than the real Kwame.

Don't you even love his name! I was thinking we could use it as a slogan: "When you hear Kwame, think of the Klan!"

Kwame Kilpatrick has managed to live up to every scurrilous stereotype we done ever come up with, except for throwing chicken bones on the floor when he eats. (We ain't seen that yet, anyways.)

Old Kwame is a big, hulking brute who looks sorta like Marcus Garvey. He don't wear funny hats like Marcus but he dresses like he bought a lot of clothes from old gangster movies. He is sex-mad, though evidently mostly for black chicks.

He likes the high life, limousines, raccoon coats, zoot suits, and spends and spends while his city is falling apart and little kids are shivering because their daddies can't pay the gas bill. Now he's been indict — indite — charged with many crimes but he still goes on acting like a gangsta while his city falls apart. Last week he shoved and swore at some police. Usta be he let his goons do that. His mommy is a congresswoman and the boys gossip his daddy is a bag man, though not in the supermarket.

Kwame's so bad even all the blacks with jobs and some self-respect want him gone and have begged the governor, who they say is some gutless Swedish woman, to remove his sorry ass from power.

Brethren and cistern, we can't let that happen. This is our last chance to save America from total Negro domination. Like I was saying, they are going to nominate a Negro for president. (You boys know I wouldn't never say Knee-grow in person, but I don't want the FCC coming after me for saying our favorite word in print.) We need to keep our eyes on the eight ball.

If you keep putting your quarters in that Mason jar, we may have enough to buy a few billboards in October with pitchers of Kwame and Barack. ("LIKE THIS BLACK MAYOR? YOU'LL LOVE A BLACK PRESIDENT!)

That oughta do it.

Yours for whiter sheets and straighter-cut eyeholes,


Speaking of courage: This will scarcely be a surprise, but Michigan politicians don't have very much. Project Vote Smart, a nonpartisan, nonprofit outfit, sent a "political courage test" to every candidate running for Congress or the state Legislature.

The test was hardly an inquisition. Candidates just were asked to state their positions on the issues — and in the case of politically sticky situations could leave 30 percent of the test blank! Nevertheless, fewer than one out of 10 legislative candidates did. Slightly more than one-third of those running for Congress responded.

Richard Kimball, Project Vote Smart's president, said that increasingly, consultants and party leaders were advising candidates not to respond. Why? It puts them on the record of standing for something — "and it will expose them to opposition research."

Well, so much for the idea of democracy. However, let's hear it for U.S. Reps. Dale Kildee (D-Flint) and, interestingly, Carolyn Cheeks Kilpatrick (D-Detroit), who did have enough guts to fill out the survey.

What a country.

Vote for the zoo: Some things really are better than in the old days, and the Detroit Zoo is one of them. Thanks largely to Ron Kagan, the talented director who arrived in 1992, the place has been turned into one of the better animal parks in the nation.

It is also one of this state's finest cultural attractions. Two years ago, the near-bankrupt city of Detroit turned over the zoo's operations to the Detroit Zoological Society. The good news is that the zoo no longer has to endure meddling by city politicians. However, the zoo also no longer gets any money from Detroit.

They have been very thrifty and smart about raising money, but need more on which to operate. On Tuesday, the ballot in Wayne, Oakland and Macomb counties will include a tiny new tax (0.1 mill) for the zoo. If you are an average homeowner it will cost your family about $10 a year.

If you rent, it costs you nothing. Most cities — Toledo, for example —tax their citizens much more for lesser zoos.

Voting for this should be a no-brainer. But what worries me is that a lot of people still mistakenly think that Kwame Kilpatrick has something to do with the zoo, and may vote no as a result.

Kagan has been brilliant at building a modern zoo that teaches us about wildlife, helps save endangered species and it a wonderful gathering place for families. What he ought to do now is figure out how to get the thug's name off the no-longer-used water tower as soon as possible.

Jack Lessenberry opines weekly for Metro Times. Contact him at letters@metrotimes.com

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