Best Way to Fix Up Hamtramck
Merge with Detroit

Poor Hamtramck can’t catch a break. It seems that our readers take this town of about 20,000 for a hardy-har-har laugh riot. When asked what the best way is to fix the city, you suggested that it be turned into an amusement park. What kind of plan is that? Do you really expect people to plunk down a handful of change for a ticket allowing admittance to corner bars and a face full of paczki? Mmmh. On second thought, maybe you have something there. Before settling on the amusement park idea, let’s consider your other suggestions. “Merge with Detroit” received the most votes. How boring. And besides, do you really think you can talk Mayor Dennis Archer into taking on this financial drain? “Create 10 paczki days a year” received the next highest number of votes (may as well combine that with the amusement park idea). “Open more bars” took third place — that also goes along with the amusement-park theme, don’t you think? “Pay the workers” (damn civil servants probably wrote that suggestion) was number four.

Though I’m not much of a beer drinker and paczki give me a stomachache, the amusement park idea is admittedly best. Let’s see, there could be a Trashcan Roller Coaster for the kiddies and all-day rat shoots. (Don’t take it personally, all great cities have ’em.) And who would want to miss The Great Pothole Adventure? Plus, if you put the council members in Spandex tights and tone down their meetings a tiny bit, people will surely pay to watch, just like they do for pro wrestling.

Best Candidate to Run Against Dennis Archer,
Best Politico to Cause L. Brooks Patterson Grief
: Geoffrey Fieger

Ah, Fieger ... the Pied Piper of plaintiffs, champion of shoplifters, archnemesis of daytime talk-show hosts, a grinning, gap-toothed Grim Reaper of deep pockets everywhere. One kind of wishes brother Dougie would’ve invited him to join the Knack, thereby sparing us from his incessantly high-pitched and reedy Midwestern elocution.

MT readers have selected him as the Best Candidate to Run Against Dennis Archer/Cause Brooks Patterson Grief (two categories that go hand in hand, as naturally any mayor of Detroit will eventually cause L. Brooks some grief and vice versa). A Fieger for Mayor campaign would no doubt captivate the same grassroots disenfranchised who picked up their pitchforks and jumped on his last gubernatorial campaign bandwagon (which eventually crashed and burned in a landslide defeat). One can only hope, however, we won’t have to once again endure the hackneyed and banal campaign slogan, “It’s Fieger time!” Given what some have described as an abrasive, ego-flexing personality, coupled with his love for obscenities, it’s clear that Mayor Fieger would elevate city-suburb acrimony to a level of frostiness unseen since Coleman Young left office. Such a turn of events would undoubtedly set the city back a few decades in terms of measurable progress and credibility (read: business development). Nevertheless, one cannot deny that the supremely humble Fieger, who has described himself to an MT reporter as “one smart motherfucker,” and who once admitted to possibly calling John Engler a “bag of shit,” would certainly provide a welcome contrast (at least for a few weeks or so) to the prosaic and stultifying regime of Judge Dennis, who’s about as inspiring as a grain of rice.

Best MT Writer
Melissa Giannini

Wow. I’ve always known I was cute as a button, but who knew I had talent too? So by this you’re saying you really like my obtuse metaphorical descriptions and stuffy deconstruction of rock music? Well, thanks. Specifically, I’d like to thank my parents for bringing the Best of ballots to work just like they used to with my Girl Scout cookie order forms. I have to thank my Uncle John for all those CMJ subscriptions (and for only making fun of me for about a decade after I asked if he had heard of this “great new group,” the Steve Miller Band, as a naive preteen.) Thanks to the MT editors for supporting my “crazy ideas” and to my high school English teacher, Mrs. Dobblestein, for teaching me that “being verbs are bad.” And I couldn’t forget to thank a “certain local entertainment weekly” for having impeccable timing when they decided to “let me go” the same day MT advertised a music-writing position. Last, but not least, many thanks go out to all the super-sweet musicians in town for being so damn cool and innovative and giving me way more to write about than there ever will be column inches to fill. And, oh, yeah, everyone who voted for me, meet me upstairs at the Magic Stick tonight for those shots I promised. Cheers!

Learn why MT readers voted for Melissa Giannini, by checking out her Metro Times online story archive.