In search of the G-spot 

Q: I have a question which I ask not only for my own satisfaction. I'm a straight male, my lover is a straight female. I have discovered that she is only capable of orgasm through her own direct manual or clitoral stimulation. My hand can't get her off, despite our best efforts. She also claims that neither she nor anyone else has ever found her G-spot (mythical, by her account). To this date, she has never had a "deep" (vaginal, not clitoral) orgasm. I'm willing to accept her as she is (that's what love’s about, right?) outside of this issue, but I do believe there's more to be had. All my past lovers had hot G-spots and got off without manual stimulation, which is perhaps a testament to their responsiveness more than my ability as a lover. My current lover is by no means frigid, but I do suspect she's sexually naive. What can we do to discover her "mythical" (I know it's not!) G-spot and/or increase her responsiveness?

A: I don't think every woman is as sensitive in various spots as all others — whether neck, nipples or G-spot. Try intercourse from a rear-entry position or with her on top. Use your fingers to massage inside her vagina, perhaps using your thumb around her clitoris at the same time. No fireworks? Then start at the top — or bottom — and work your way from one end of her body to the other, exploring every nook and cranny with a variety of caresses. Her special sweet spot might be the nape of her neck or back of her knees rather than the 11 o'clock position two inches inside the vagina. As for requiring clitoral stimulation in order to climax, she is well within the majority of women.

Q: My partner is really self-conscious about his penis size. I have told him and reassured him that his penis is OK and that it is enough to satisfy me sexually, but this doesn't seem to help. What can I do to help him get over it? It really doesn't matter to me.

A: You can demonstrate in a real live show-and-tell where the most sensitive areas of your genitals are and explain how little difference his length or girth makes in stimulating them. You can agree with him that, yes, you would prefer he have a larger or thicker one; could he please grow it before next Friday's date? You can play "air violin" whenever he starts that sorry old tune and remind him that the game of "poor me" is really unsexy and to please quit it already. It may not change his beliefs, but at least you won't have to hear him complain.

Q: How do you keep your relationship and sex life exciting when you've been together for a long time (3 years) and never seem to have time for sex and romance?

A: You have to make time for it. Go to bed an hour earlier. Stay in bed an hour later. Turn off the TV and go for an evening walk holding hands. Plan a Saturday out-of-town exploration, even if it's only to a thrift shop 20 miles away. One of you has got to take responsibility for making some desired changes; since you're writing the letter, let's nominate you for the job. Three years is only the beginning of a relationship than can flourish if the partners infuse it with some newness and excitement. Try new sexual activities, in new places, under new circumstances. Novelty is exciting. New activities, even nonsexual ones, that you can do separately and bring back to the relationship make you a more exciting person, and consequently, half of a more exciting twosome.

Q: In a threesome, if a man wears a condom but switches from intercourse with one partner to another, what would you say the risks of transmitting an STD from one partner to another are?

A: Whether we are talking about naked penises, latex-covered ones, fingers, tongue or plastic toys, when something is taken from one genital opening and inserted into another genital opening without being thoroughly washed (or covered in new, clean latex) there is a definite danger of transmitting something besides pleasure. Isadora Alman is a board-certified sexologist and a California-licensed marriage-and-family therapist. Contact her via this paper or Her Sexuality Forum is at

Speaking of Love & Sex, Ask Isadora

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