Four on the floor 

Q: Here is a quick etiquette question: Should one make it a point to say goodbye to the people having a four-way in the living room or is it best to slip out quietly? —Not Getting Any

A: If four people are having sex in the living room and they haven’t invited you to join them, two very specific things can be inferred. First, they don’t want you to join in. If they did, they would’ve pulled you in. Second, if they’re really going at it, they’ve probably forgotten that you exist. Walking in and saying, “I guess I’ll be going, um, thanks for having me over. See you later, OK? Uh, bye. Have fun, see you, uh, bye ...” will be perceived by the four as a desperate attempt to remind them that you do exist, in the hopes that they might change their minds and pull you in. Don’t be so pathetic. You weren’t wanted. Reminding the four on the floor that you’re still there only gives them another opportunity to reject you. In this situation, the only dignified course of action is to slip out quietly.

Q: I am an 18-year-old lesbian. My girlfriend of two years is 17. We have not had sex, however, which by my definition is making each other come by whatever means we choose. She is willing to touch me, but she prefers that I not touch her. She was assaulted when she was 15, and the guy who did this turned sexual touching into a nightmare for her. I’ve been really patient and I try not to pressure her, but my hormones are raging and I really want to have sex. She knows it, but it seems like it probably won’t happen. Don’t tell me to dump her; my feelings for her are more important than sex. I’m just wondering if there’s anything I can do to help her get rid of the demons of the past? We love each other and if there’s anything I can do to help her, I want to do it. —Want To Be Good To Her

A: You want to help your girlfriend but you don’t want to break up with her. That’s a problem, WTBGTH, because breaking up with your girlfriend is the only way you can help her. Face facts: Your girlfriend isn’t ready to be in a relationship with you or anyone else, and you’re not doing her any favors by continuing to see her. Your girlfriend needs to get her ass to a shrink and work on those don’t-touch-me demons, something she’s unlikely to do so long as she has a girlfriend who’s willing to work around those same demons. Your girlfriend has to realize that not confronting and overcoming her demons is going to severely limit her sexually and socially, and the best way to make her see that — which will in turn give her the push she needs to get help and/or get over it — is for you to dump her.

One way or another this relationship is going to end. The longer you have to go without touching her tits or eating her out or braiding her hair or whatever it is teenage lesbians do, the more frustrated you’re going to become. If you end things now, while your frustration level is at a low boil, you’ll be able to let her down gently and compassionately; if you wait another two years, your frustration level will be on a rapid boil (thanks to all those raging hormones), and I guarantee you it will end ugly.

So sit the girlfriend down and say this: “I love you, but I need to be with someone who can be touched. I want that person to be you. But I don’t think you’re going to get there while we’re together. So I’m going to let you go, honey. I’m sorry. Maybe once you’ve worked through these issues, we can be together again.”

Q: I am a 60-year-old man who recently lost his wife to cancer. Upon visiting a shrink I came to acknowledge that I’ve been a closeted homosexual for most of my life. I also discovered that I love dressing up in women’s clothes in the privacy of my own home and masturbating to S&M pornography. My shrink asked me if I was hurting myself or anyone else. I wasn’t. He told me to enjoy myself. Here’s the problem: I divulged all of this to a friend of mine who was horrified by my behavior. Now he has me going to three Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings a week, and I feel awful and ashamed. My SAA sponsor is pressuring me to get a new shrink; my shrink says he will have to stop working with me if I continue going to a group that uses humiliation and shame to bully me about my sexuality. Where do I turn? —Afraid to Masturbate in Midland

A: Turn to your jackass friend and the jackass killjoys at the SAA meetings and tell them that you’ve been cured. Tell them you no longer dress up in women’s clothes, you’ve stopped masturbating, you’ve stopped looking at S&M porn and you’ve stopped seeing your old shrink. Then tell them you won’t be coming to any more SAA meetings because you don’t want your recently vanquished sexual addictions to be the focus of your life. Then go right on seeing your old shrink, dressing up in women’s clothes and beating off to S&M porn. If you want to find someone to indulge your kinks with (which is what you were secretly looking for when you told your friend), take out some personal ads in kink magazines or on Web sites or hire yourself a kinky male escort.

Q: Maybe it’s because I’m high, but I thought that a few of those fantasies at the end of your last column were hilarious! Perhaps you could include a few of them at the end of the column for a couple more weeks? —Detroit Tony

A: A lot of folks wrote in to say how much they enjoyed the fantasies sent in by my readers for the canceled Readers’ Sexual Fantasies Contest, with the Smurphette fantasy being the most popular. Just for you, DT, here are a few more:

• Oprah Winfrey is being gang-banged by a large group of bodybuilders. She’s into it, begging for their cum, lapping it up whenever she can. At one point, a few of them shoot off into a dog’s food bowl and Oprah picks up the bowl and drinks it down. A videotape surfaces and her career is destroyed. —Oprahphile

• Since adolescence, all my fantasies have been about scenarios in which dozens of men are licking my snatch for hours at a time. My favorite: My cunt in a state of excitement secretes a compound that makes men’s dicks grow. Men line up for the chance to use their tongues to bring me off. Every morning I choose the hottest six from the crowd outside my door, invite them in, and bind them to a complicated pussy-licking chair. Then I take turns sitting on their faces, and watch their dongs swell to mammoth proportions. —Special Pussy Enjoys Loving Licks

• Prince Harry fucking Prince William up against the shower wall. —Anglophile

• I go to work and read letters from strangers about sex, all of them addressed to me personally. I break up the monotony by sharing my fantasies, in print, with millions of other strangers. Then I go home and roll naked in all the money I make doing this. —Hate My Job, Want Your Job

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