For love of country 

Q: I think Arab men are hot! Can a twentysomething fag get it on with Arab guys without being unpatriotic? —Loves Arabs

A: The president of the United States has asked Americans to reach out to Arab-Americans. He wants us to show the world that we’re fighting a war against terror and not against Islam or Arabs. Some have heeded the president’s call by visiting mosques, others have patronized businesses owned by Arab-Americans. I can’t think of a better way for a young fag to reach out to Arab-Americans — and help the war effort — than by grabbing his ankles for an Arab. Unpatriotic? Nonsense! You’re answering the call of your commander in chief!

Q: I am a Muslim whose family is very conservative. I am afraid of what might happen if a certain relative finds some pornographic home videos I made. It started with a woman I used to date. She thought it would be fun to make sexy videos with a computer Web cam. I made several mistakes: I let my face be shown; I kept the videos on my hard drive after we broke up; I let my new girlfriend use my computer. My new girlfriend found the videos and sold them to a porno Web site. I learned of this when someone left me an anonymous message telling me to check out the Web site.

My girlfriend said she did it because she was jealous, but now she is sorry. I accepted her apology, but what can I do to get my face off the Internet? I wrote to the Web site, but got no response. If I sue them, it might end up on the news and my family and co-workers will find out. If I don’t sue them, I’m worried that my family and friends will find out anyway. What can I do? —Reluctant Muslim Porn Star

A: For starters you can break up with the girl you’re dating now. Any girl who would sell your tapes to an Internet pornographer can’t be trusted. (Did she at least give you the money?) You would have to be out of your mind to stay with someone who went nuclear over a dirty home movie. Leave her.

Unfortunately, there’s not much you can do to get your porn off the Net. You could sue the site, but that would out you as a porn star. Even if your suit was successful, once porn is posted online there’s really no taking it back. Anyone who visits the site can make instant copies of your home movies. Without a doubt the video and still images from it are circulating online, and will live forever in cyberspace. If the tape is particularly hot, it’s probably available at hundreds of sites already. And there’s not much you can do about it.

If anyone in your family spots the tape, tell ’em it’s someone who looks like you, having sex with someone who looks a lot like your ex-girlfriend, in a place that looks a lot like your old apartment. But it’s definitely Not You. Will they fall for it? Maybe, maybe not. But don’t underestimate the ability of a loving family to refuse to accept the obvious.

Q: I heard that the Arab governments arrest, torture and kill homosexuals. Is this true? Is the United States doing anything to combat this abuse? —JP in the Sticks

A: You heard right. Among our allies in this fight for freedom are Egypt and Saudi Arabia. Egypt recently tossed a 15-year-old boy in jail for having gay sex (that should put a stop to his homosexual activities), and sentenced 23 other men to long periods of hard labor for being gay. And consider the fate of three men in Saudi Arabia who were recently convicted of “marrying amongst themselves”: All three men were beheaded — talk about your Defense of Marriage Acts. According to the International Gay and Lesbian Human Rights Commission, the Bush administration hasn’t said boo to our Arab allies about these abuses.

Q: I’m a 28-year-old straight man, earning $50,000 a year. I’m also single. My religion was Islam until I realized there is no God. Now that I have rejected God, I would like to enjoy my life. To that end, I would like to organize a Wide Eyes Shut club. I am not rich, but I would spend 10 percent of my salary to fuck women. I’d like to get a number of young professional men like myself to contribute $400 per month to a special fund. We would use that pot of money to hire porn stars to entertain us. If I can get 10 guys who are good-looking, not violent and into gangbangings, we can do magic with $4,000 a month! Will you print my e-mail address, so that other men interested in joining my club can contact me? —Leaving God for Sex,

A: First, it was Eyes Wide Shut, not Wide Eyes Shut. There was nothing in the least bit realistic about that lousy film’s absurd portrayal of group sex. (And the plural of gangbang is gangbangs, not gangbangings.) Attempting to model your fantasy life on Eyes Wide Shut is only setting yourself up for disappointment.

In an effort to reach out to Arab-Americans, I’m publishing your e-mail address. But I think your club is a bad idea. Rejecting God doesn’t require you to go off the deep end, nor are you required to adopt Stanley Kubrick’s fantasy life as your own. A little self-denial, a little self-indulgence, a little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down the pants — why not lead a balanced life? If you’re anxious to make up for lost time, hire a few escorts and do some catching up. Better yet, why not find an open, sexually adventurous girlfriend and spend $5,000 per year on dinners, movies, sex toys and hotel rooms? No one should spend all of his time in a mosque, LGFS, I agree. But no one should spend all of his time in a whorehouse either. Speaking of whorehouses, I’m really enjoying this Enron stuff. I realize this has nothing to do with your problem, but it’s my column: The Enron scandal may not have the schwing of a Clinton scandal — no bimbos or blow jobs — but it does have thieving fat cats, bought-and-paid-for politicians and thousands of angry, ruined little people. Hopefully the Enron collapse will put an end to the CEO-worship that has plagued American popular culture since Lee Iacocca “saved” Chrylser with taxpayers’ money. And while the Enron scandal may not have a come-stained blue dress to recommend it, there is this: Clinton’s scandals only proved that he was a letch. The Enron scandal, on the other hand, proves that everyone in Washington — beginning with President Bush — is a fucking whore. Hello, campaign finance reform, goodbye Republican control of the House of Representatives.

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