Dubious achievement awards 2004 - April 

Jerkin’ chain in West Bloomfield: Are you a suburban pubescent tired of dreaming about knocking off party stores or how to score a $20 bag of meth so you can spend hours downloading free Jenna Jameson butt streams off the Internet? Try donning a fake orange prison jumpsuit with the words “Oakland County Jail” on the back. Then make like an escaped con and stroll down a green-lined bike path. That’s exactly what one West Bloomfield kid did on April Fool’s Day. “We had about six calls,” Lt. Joe Chapin, of the West Bloomfield Township Police Department, told the Oakland Press. After a hasty search the fuzz found the ersatz jailbird along Orchard Lake Road. What did the punk chirp upon capture? “April Fool’s.” And the cops let him go. “He didn’t do anything wrong,” Chapin said. “He just jerked somebody’s chain.”

From the pry-it-from-my-cold-dead-hands department: Donald Dillon, 44, of Hamtramck died after he was thrown from a car in a Tuesday morning pileup in Detroit. Sad and all, but this shit happens all the time, right? Sure, but here’s the kicker: As Dillon lay motionless, bleeding and dying in the street, some mook plundered his pockets and wallet and then sped off. The cops found Dillon’s pillaged billfold near his body. Even Detroit’s finest — those who, we assume, have seen everything — were aghast at the execrable offense. “It just goes to show you that people have no respect for the injured or the dead,” Officer Mitchell Quinn told the Freep. “It’s the most callous crime I’ve seen in years.” A neighbor says, “The neighborhood is going downhill. I don’t even like to go outside after dark.”

Wood for commish: If you ask us, Birmingham City Commissioner Tom McDaniel celebrated his 65th birthday in fine-ass style. The senior-citizen city official was the red-faced recipient of a randy striptease at Birmingham’s posh 220 eatery. The two-song Wam-Bam Birthday Message Gram came courtesy of a comely thong-and-bandeau-bedecked stripper named Ms. Malibu. But not every diner was delighted with the skin show. One, Mike Whiting, a Birmingham lawyer, even called the cops and filed a police report claiming the stripper exposed her groin and tendered lap dances. Restaurant owner Judith Roberts was cheesed too, but says Whiting “overreacted.” Still, “It shouldn’t have happened. It’s not like we were on Eight Mile.” Commish McDaniel and his wife — who hired the stripper — apologized for boo-ba-boom.

Point and shoot, dude: Emmanuel M. Bermea, 20, apparently bent up over a love gone south, fired seven rifle rounds at an Auburn Hills house he thought sheltered somebody involved in his heartbreak. But six bullets missed the broad side of that house and hit a neighbor’s home. Nobody was hurt and Bermea was charged in Rochester Hills district court with two counts of firing into an occupied building, one count of felonious assault and three counts of felony firearm use. Oakland County Sheriff’s Dive Team cops trawled a nearby lake looking for Bermea’s .22 rifle. Auburn Hills Police Lt. James Manning tells the Oakland Press they didn’t find “anything in the lake,” but adds, “They did find a truck.” It was yanked out early in the search. Cue banjos, please.

Warm and fuzzy Easter: Picture a warm spring day in April: butterfly wings and wildflowers, little girls in blue-checked dresses and boys in pink and white cardigans all carrying baskets decorated with delicate white and pink lilies. It’s the day before Easter and happy children are commemorating Christ’s resurrection by hunting eggs during a church event on the grounds of Flint’s Gundry Elementary School. But the sugar-crazed kids also find two loaded pistols, one of which fires when it’s dropped. Flint cops on the scene also find a BB gun and a busted toy shooter. Nobody is hurt.

Blue balls: Once in 2003, Leslie Allyn Stone, 34, was immobilized by icy waters when he jumped into wintry Lake Orion to elude the constabulary, who were chasing him for drugs and assaulting one of their own. They easily nabbed the Stonesicle. Now, after violating parole, Cold Stone lams it from a manhunt involving Sheriff’s cruisers, a Lake Orion police squad car, a police chopper and a K-9 crew. He strips down to skivvies and shoes and takes cover in a Bald Mountain Recreation Area swamp. Oakland County Sheriff’s Detective Kevin Hearit tells the Oakland Press he has no idea why Stone peeled, suggesting it might have had something to do with trying to fake out the K-9 unit. Stone, now looking at a new felony charge for resisting and obstructing the cops, needed hospital care for exposure after each arrest.

Funny money — not ha-ha funny, strange funny: The chairman of the Holly Planning Commission and a white boy rapper who owns a staged-kidnapping business were charged with counterfeiting conspiracy. Frederick Holling Jr. owned the Print Express shop in Holly; Adam Lamon moonlighted as Adam Thick, the creator of extremekidnapping.com, a paid service that allows clients to arrange for their own abductions. Policed raided Holling’s shop and found more than $300,000 in counterfeit bills. The shop is a mere hop and pirouette from the Holly police station. “That was the beauty of it all,” an official involved with the bust told the Freep. “We didn’t have to go more than 100 feet to arrest him.”

Respect the pussy: Ford Motor Co. gets all bent out of shape over a “viral” Internet ad depicting the beheading of a cat, a file that found its way into e-mail boxes of its targeted youth demographic. The promo clip shows a power moonroof hatch on Ford’s Euro-only Sportka model lopping off the kitty’s noggin. Ford claims it rejected the clip, which was created by ad giants Ogilvy & Mather. Please. The very purpose of corporate viral marketing ads is to target thick-walleted youth hungry for images disgusting enough to serial e-mail. And the buzz from the headless kitty clip did wonders for the Sportka’s street recognition in the U.K. Ogilvy & Mather denied any responsibility for the ad saying in a statement that “both companies find this unofficial advertisement totally unacceptable and reprehensible. The action in the video clip was totally computer-generated, and we would like to assure you that no animal was harmed in its making.”

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