Dan Savage chats about married ladies, and more 

Q: I am a 38-year-old married woman. My husband of 18 years is 22 years my senior. I credit my husband for giving me a good life and helping me pursue goals. But my husband is a type A professional, and that has played out in the bedroom. He has always been disinterested in my pleasure. When our kids were little, I did not want sex as often as he did ("only" twice a week). I suggested that he masturbate in the shower if he wanted a morning quickie. His answer: A married man "should not have to pleasure himself." That attitude about my wifely duties also translates into myriad other household tasks that fall into my lap. Hubby, by the way, does not fall into my lap. If I ask for oral, he tells me to "clean it really, really well," then he'll "think about doing that." This makes me feel disgusting. I have tried to spice up our sex life. For years, it has been penis in the vagina, missionary position or doggy style. It can feel pretty "rapey" a lot of the time, as he typically comes at me rounding third base and then — bam — it's over in five minutes. If I initiate or get on top, he loses his erection because I am "attacking him." A few months ago, I told a friend that I had never once received "enthusiastic oral." She said it made sense that my husband didn't enjoy doing it because it was a "domination thing" that mostly submissive men enjoy. A little information can be a dangerous thing. I started visiting online domination forums. I hinted about these interests to my husband and got shot down (of course). This is a huge contrast to my new "online friends," who would love to meet and orally service me. Two of these "sub males" want me to "own" them. This is heady stuff. I have spoken to each of them on the phone and exchanged hundreds of e-mails. (Meeting strangers sounds scary, I know, but I have kept my identity secret and have insisted on knowing these gents' real and verifiable info.) I want to take this into "real life." This is the happiest I have been in my entire life, and I want to act on these desires. My husband is my only concern. He is my best friend, and I don't want to lose that. I feel like I can't even tell him about the online stuff. He is so rigid. I am stuck. How do I deal with this? — Don't Offend My Man Ever

A: On the one hand... a man who demands "rapey" sex on his schedule for 18 years, makes his wife feel bad about her genitals, and isn't open to trying new things is begging to be cheated on. So go ahead and get some enthusiastic oral from those sub males, DOMME; you more than deserve it.

On the other hand... you say your rapey, pussy-disparaging, sex-shaming husband is your best friend (baffling!) and you don't want to lose him (equally baffling!). And without a doubt, a guy with his retrograde attitudes about sex, gender roles, and "wifely duties" would divorce you if he found out you cheated on him — and some days it feels like most people who cheat wind up getting caught — so you probably shouldn't take this into "real life," as it could wind up nuking your marriage.

But on the other other hand... your husband sounds like the type of guy who would regard your secret online life as cheating — the hundreds of emails, the phone calls, the hours lurking on domination websites — and divorce you just the same if he found out. So you might as well go ahead and fuck those subs, DOMME, because if you get caught — and you probably will — you'll be in the same trouble whether or not you got some enthusiastic oral from a sub male in "real life."

On this week's Savage Lovecast: Hear how rich girls slut-shame poor girls on college campuses: savagelovecast.com.

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