Couch Trip 

A big bag of Milk duds: The Lucky 7 list of horror flops!

Horror is a tricky-sticky genre, and for every creepy classic, such as Night of the Living Dead or The Exorcist, there are a dozen forgettables. At least. Here are our picks for the most laughable, ludicrous and downright nonthreatening horror flicks ever.

7. Death Bed: The Bed That Eats (1977)

A homegrown cult fave, this stylish and surreal oddity was shot all over Oakland County in fits and starts through the mid-'70s, until director George Barry finally ran out of dough. Years later, it turned up in unauthorized European bootlegs, and finally got an official DVD in 2003. The premise, about a demonic bed that dissolves victims in acid, and belches, is so utterly goofy that Patton Oswalt wrote a hilarious standup routine about it. No joke.

6. Night of the Lepus (1972)

Repeat: Giant. Murderous. Rabbits. That sums it up for this greasy dollop of '70s Cheez Whiz, a movie whose terrible reputation is hard-earned: A scientist's misguided experiment in rodent population control leads to thousands of massive mutant bunnies menacing a Texas town, and threatening the audience to die from excessive giggles. The only thing these cotton-tailed monsters killed was the careers and cred of stars Janet Leigh and Star Trek's DeForest "Bones" Kelley.

5. Killer Klowns From Outer Space (1988)

For mysterious reasons, the evil clown motif continues to grow each year, as the bank statements of Detroit's own crazed clowns, Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope can attest, but it's hard to base a whole movie around villains in giant floppy shoes. And that's counting Tim Curry's creepy turn in IT.

4. The Gingerdead Man (2005)

Gary Busey (!) as a possessed homicidal pastry? Sounds like a can't-miss until you actually see this loathsome hunk of crap cinema sag like a failed soufflé. Every thing about this unwatchable turkey is cheap and stupid, especially the "star" — an ugly, misshapen lump of dough who may be the least convincing evil puppet since George W. Bush. Quick, somebody dunk this loser in a glass of milk!

3. Leprechaun in the Hood (2000)

The evil shorty's love of bling finds him battling Ice-T over an enchanted gold flute that can help him dominate the rap game. Blarney!

2. Once Bitten (1985)

Some studio wiz figured that Michael J. Fox's basketballing high school werewolf wasn't enough, so they cast young Jim Carrey as a pimply nerd turned super cool proto-goth! One who sports a killer widow's peak! Enter sexy cougar-bloodsucker Lauren Hutton, the world's first gap-toothed vamp, and you might understand Carrey's unwatchable and undead spastic antics.

1. Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2008)

While many flirt with the "worst movie of all time" title, this incredible disaster is the most legitimate contender for the rusted crown long held by Ed Wood's legendary anti-classic Plan 9 From Outer Space. Words cannot do justice to Birdemic's epic incompetence, with mind-numbing dialogue, brain-dead direction and acting that'd terrify a junior high drama teacher. That's just the first hour. Then the birds show up, the most formidable collection of shittily rendered flapping terrors this side of a Windows 95 screensaver.

More by Corey Hall

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