Bikes, dykes and buttplay 

Q: Like many 40-year-old guys, I’m attracted to the girl at my morning coffee place. She’s a biker, pierced, tattooed, dark-haired, beautiful and intelligent. But I am pretty sure she likes girls. She’s always nice — but is it just because I am a customer? I spend way too much time thinking about exploding my rocket all over her. I would have no problem sharing her with another girl. Do I respect her right to do her job and be left alone, or do I tell her what I’m thinking? —WMD

A: I’ve got three suggestions for you, WMD. First suggestion: Stop kidding yourself. While it’s terribly gracious of you to offer to share your coffee girl with someone she might conceivably find attractive — i.e. someone her own gender and her own age — your twin hunches are almost surely correct. She’s nice to you, but only because you’re a customer — and she’s a bike-riding, pussy-lickin’ dyke.

Second suggestion: Stop fucking around and tell her how you feel. What besides your morning coffee place have you got to lose? There’s a war on, motherfucker! The whole fuckin’ world is falling the fuck apart! Take a goddamn chance!

Third suggestion: “Exploding my rocket” is not an acceptable sexual metaphor at a time like this — or at any other time. What’s more, a pierced, tattooed coffee girl will probably lean toward the “No War” position, and may be turned off by militaristic sexual imagery. If you do hit on her — sorry, “make a pass at her” — try asking if you can, oh, smear your hot hummus all over her warm pita or something. Anti-war biker dykes really dig middle-aged vegan dudes. Or so I’m told.

Q: I am a 25-year-old straight male. I recently started to fantasize about anal sex. I would like to give it a try with my girlfriend. How do I bring it up? I know from talking to others who have tried it can be rather unpleasant the first time. I figured a knowledgeable gay male like you would have some answers. —Anal Sex Suggestions

A: I suggest you tell your girlfriend that you’ve enlisted in the Marines and that you need her to do something very, very special for you before you march off to liberate the people of Iraq. Like all first-time buttfuckees, your girlfriend might experience some slight discomfort, ASS, but you should encourage her to view it as her small contribution to the war effort.

Q: I’m a female college senior and I’m going to graduate in a couple months. I’m very attracted to one of my teachers. For the past year I’ve been trying to get his attention and sort of flirt with him. He’s starting to pay me a lot of attention, and I really think that he might like me, but he’s still not making a move. Do you think he’s just not interested? Is that why he hasn’t made a move yet? Am I a pansy for not hitting on him? —Hot For Teacher

A: You’re not a pansy, HFT, you’re just a dope. Do you know why your teacher hasn’t made a move yet? Because he doesn’t want to lose his job. Rest assured: Your yearlong effort to get his attention — a campaign that I suspect has been something less than subtle — made an impression. If he wants you, he’ll let you know just as soon as you graduate.

Q: I realize that in all likelihood, due to its obviously controversial nature, there is probably no way in hell this question will ever get printed, but I’m going to go for it anyway: Is it more racist in nature to be white and detest a white guy who acts black so he can get with black women, then it is to actually be black and hold abhorrence towards the white guys that do it? Food for thought at best, maybe, but I am honestly curious as to your opinion regarding this matter. I am sure you already know this, but in today’s America, an inquiry regarding this issue is almost one in which the only outcome possible, even at merely pondering such things as race relations, has become social grounds for intense finger-pointing. At any rate, I think it is only justified to raise such a question, for the simple fact of clarification, and I really do want to know which position is the worst of two evils, if there is one? —Fakers Understandably Bother Us

A: I had to read FUBU’s letter three times just to figure out what the hell he was talking about. I’m still not sure I get it, but what I think FUBU wants to know this: Is it more racist for white guys to be annoyed — even to the point of abhorrence — by white guys who act black in order get black girls or for black guys to be annoyed by white guys who act black to get black girls?

Look, FUBU, no one needs anyone else’s permission to be annoyed. We all have the inalienable right to be annoyed by anyone, for any reason, at any time. We do, however, have to respect the inalienable right of others to act as they please — even if it annoys the shit out of us, even if they’re only doing it to get into black girls’ pants.

Q: I would love to have sex with a woman who was incredibly bored with me being there. If she were doing something else — reading a book or maybe doing her nails or watching TV while I was going at it — I would find that incredibly hot. I have been with women who like to be tied up, beat, bitten and all kinds of things but not one of them would indulge me. Is there a name for this fetish? I tried looking it up and can’t find anything. I couldn’t possibly be the only one who likes this. —Bore Boy

A: What you describe is not a fetish, BB, it’s a scenario. You want to fuck a woman who cops an attitude and acts like you’re doing a pretty lousy job of it. Is there a name for your turn-on? Sure. I’d say you’re into a rare kind of erotic humiliation — a category so broad and so vague that it encompasses everything from being pissed on to being called names to being dragged around on a leash. Are you the only one who enjoys the kind of humiliation you describe? No, you’re not — so how come you couldn’t find any info about your turn-on when you tried to look it up? Well, because what you want to do is so easily accomplished — no props, no costumes, no eyebolts — that people who share your kink don’t have to join clubs or put up Web sites. All you have to do is ask your sex partner very nicely to indulge you: “It would turn me on like crazy if you ignored me while I fucked you, and acted like you could care less. I know it sounds freaky but for some reason it makes me so hot to think about it!” Only the dullest and most selfish lover would refuse to play along.

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