Backseat bliss 

Q: I am 48 and have been married for 21 years. My husband is the only person I have ever had sex with. For most of our married life we had sex 3 to 7 time a week. We had our share of minor sexual problems, but lack of desire was never one of them until a few years ago. I just lost interest. My husband did everything a loving husband could possibly do to spark romance, to no avail. He would give me wonderful, long massages, my favorite prelude to sex in the past, and I would just fall asleep. One night a few months ago my husband and I were on a "date." We had just finished dinner and the next showing of a movie we wanted to see was in two hours. My husband joked that we could go and park. I got a sudden urge I hadn't felt in some time. We found a secluded spot and went at it in the back of our minivan. It was the first time either of us ever got completely naked anywhere outside of a bedroom, and it was the best sex I had in years. I couldn't remember when I had as many orgasms in such a short period of time. We have had some great sex since then, but only when we park somewhere or do it outside of our house. I still can't get turned on at home. Have you ever heard of this problem?

A: A time-honored pick-me-up for boring longtime sex is to change either to a new partner, a new place or some new activities. My guess is that sex at home has become associated with monotony, or with something distinctly unpleasant (menopausal night sweats, for instance). Unless you get banned from your favorite restaurants for unbecoming conduct, just go with what works and enjoy.

Q: I have a friend whose live-in boyfriend has been under "homo-suspicion" for a few years now. When they first started to date he couldn't get it up for more than a year. She tried everything from role-playing to doctors to sex toys, not to mention patience. When she took out one sex toy in particular, a dildo, his face lit up and she proceeded to insert it up his butt. He stopped her abruptly and said, "you're doing it wrong" and then showed her how he likes it done. He also claims he had never done it before. Eventually he admitted to having tried it (after much discussion and after she told him how obvious it was that he had). Well, as time went on he figured out how to have intercourse with her, and now has no trouble getting and staying hard. Now that they are having sex regularly, she gets an infection in her vagina every time they do. She has to take antibiotics for a whole week then when it goes away they do it again and it comes back and so on. The doctor told her that it was bacterial vaginitis and it comes from poop. My friend is the cleanest person I know. Every time she poops she showers, no matter where she is. How poop got inside of her can only be explained by one thing, especially since the contamination seems to occur whenever his penis goes inside there. Is it just me or is it obvious that he has poop on his dick from ramming some dude up the butt before he screws her? This guy will not wear a condom either! She wanted me to write and find out what you said. He also grew up on a farm in the thumb of Michigan and is very close with his mom. That probably means nothing but it is weird too. Also his brother-in-law cheats on his wife all the time and when he hit on my friend (very aggressively) she told her boyfriend and he told her that it's because she flirts too much. This guy has to go in my opinion, she can do much better.

A: OK, you want her to dump this guy, but for growing up on a farm in Michigan? His brother-in-law's behavior? The issue for me is what the hell she's doing letting him get away with just not wearing a condom if she keeps getting infected with every intercourse. Is she crazy (as well as too timid to write her own letters; I don't bite)? Liking anal play does not in any way suggest that he might be gay, nor does a close relationship with his mother. But all is definitely not OK with this relationship and your friend needs to do some hard-and-fast rule setting and face her (or is it only your) lack of trust in her partner. Isadora Alman is a licensed marriage counselor and a board-certified sexologist. You can reach her online at her Sexuality Forum ( or by writing to her care of this paper. Alas, she cannot answer questions

Speaking of Love & Sex, Ask Isadora

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