Q: Why am I such a slut?
—Girl, Corrupted
A: Are you a slut?
Or are you a woman who loves sex, has a high libido and has consensual sex with a lot of willing and grateful partners? Those are all traits for which culture wouldn’t conspire to leave you feeling conflicted or compelled to slap a pejorative label on yourself — if you were a dude: gay or straight.
Don’t buy into the sexist double standards, GC. So long as your sex life isn’t negatively impacting your relationship(s), your health, your friendships, your family life, your classwork or your career.
Don’t let shitty, sexist people make you feel like you have to slap a shitty, sexist label on yourself for the crime of enjoying sex while female.
Have fun out there, GC. Be thoughtful, safe, considerate of others’ feelings — and of your own. And remember: What works for you now — slutting around in the sex-positive, reclaiming-the-shit-out-of-that-word sense — i.e., a lot of healthy and rewarding sex, a lot of happy sex partners — may not work for you always.
Q: I am a 24-year-old gay man living in a major urban center. My question has to do with etiquette. One of my very good friends — I’ll call him Jerry — helped me out of a huge jam last summer by packing up my stuff and putting it into storage while I was overseas. Needless to say, I am extremely grateful, as Jerry has saved me a huge amount of money and hassle. Recently, though, I was house-sitting for Jerry while he was on vacation and found some intimate items of mine — a cock ring and a bottle of lube — that I thought had been lost in the move. In the interest of full disclosure, Jerry and I have fooled around before, but I find the fact that he took these items very strange, and I don’t really know what to do. Do I confront Jerry or just leave them as “payment” for helping me move? Or should I just take them back without saying anything and let him figure it out?
—Unsure In Canada
A: Two gay men living in the same city — with similar sexual interests (including an interest in each other) — could wind up owning two identical bottles of lube and a pair of identical cock rings. It’s unlikely, of course, and it’s even less likely that Jerry owns the exact same lube and cock ring as yours that went missing when Jerry packed your place up. But seeing as Jerry helped you out of a jam, UIC, you should repay his kindness by either giving him the benefit of the doubt or turning a blind eye to what amounts to a little harmless perving. Lube isn’t that expensive and that cock ring wasn’t from Tiffany’s — or was it? So, replacing them isn’t going to ruin you.
P.S. Assuming Jerry didn’t leave your intimate items out in plain view, UIC, that means you snooped. If you have the kind of friendship with Jerry where you can confront him about his theft, admit to your snooping, and have a laugh about it — and maybe put the lube and cock ring to good use — leave him a cheeky note in the drawer where you found your intimate items: “I see you like my cock ring. Let me know if you want to see me in it.”
Q: I’m a man who’s been reading your column for years and feel like I should know your answer by now, but I’m stumped. Recently I discovered Omegle, the online chat site that allows you to “talk to strangers,” and I’ve had some fun posing as a lesbian. I would talk to women my own age (mid-20s) about life, love and, of course, sex.
Like 99 percent of the time, these chats included role-play or sexy chat. We would both be masturbating on our respective ends and, from what I can tell, I’m pretty good at writing this stuff. (I want to be clear that this was just chatting.)
I wouldn’t trade pics, since I’m missing the goods the women I’m chatting with are interested in and it’s certainly not fair for me to accept pics without being able to provide them. I don’t keep in touch with my chat partners after our chat is over and I am pretty sure everyone is satisfied.
Here is my question: Am I an asshole for doing this? I made a post on Reddit to some real lesbians and they clearly feel like I am an asshole. One woman told me I need help. So, believe it or not, I stopped. I don’t like being an asshole, but I can’t help but wonder: Was this really that bad?
—Don’t You Know Everything, Savage?
A: Loathe as I am to contradict the Lesbians of Reddit — which sounds like the title of a ’50s lesbian pulp-fiction novel — I don’t think you’re an asshole, DYKES.
If you created fake personal ads; actively misled lesbians who contacted you; sent women pics that weren’t yours in an effort to trick them into believing that you were an actual lesbian; strung lesbians along via email for weeks or months — if you were doing any of that shit — then you would be an asshole. But spinning out a few masturbatory fantasies on a site designed to facilitate one-on-one conversations between people who are never going to meet? That’s not asshole behavior.
You found a way to enjoy your wannabe-lesbian fantasies without doing harm to any actual flesh-and-vulva lesbians. And yes, DYKES, most of the “lesbians” you chatted with on Omegle were other straight dudes.
Q: Is drag done by cisgender straight men for “humor” problematic? I thought drag was mostly about humor. I am acquainted with a bi-trans woman who thinks this is offensive, and at risk of further offending her, I haven’t asked why. Maybe you know? Haven’t we come a long way if straight men are comfortable enough with their sexualities to dress as women?
—Not Feeling Offended
A: “Freedom means freedom for everyone,” as a huge asshole once said. That means straight guys who want to do drag are free to do drag, NFO, and bi-trans women who want to take offense are free to take offense.
For the record: Good or funny or subversive drag is a burlesque on what it means to be male, not a denigration of what it means to be female. And, while gay men seem to have an innate affinity for drag, there are straight guys out there who do it and do it right. Instead of arguing with a bi-trans friend who wants to police the freedom and gender expression of others, get your hands on the DVDs of An Audience with Dame Edna and invite your bi-trans friend over to watch. mt
This week on the Savage Lovecast, Dan speaks with Daniel Bergner about foot fetish shame at savagelovecast.com.
Find Dan Savage’s weekly podcast every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. Reach him at [email protected] or @fakedansavage on Twitter.
