Remember that song, "We Are the World"? Remember, Band Aid? Remember how cheated you felt when you learned that Billy Ocean and Michael McDonald weren’t included? Maybe it was just me.
But, let’s say I chose the singers: Kim Carnes and Dan Aykroyd would have never made the cut. As good as he was in Doctor Detroit, Dan would’ve been booed and nixed like a bad pick on VH-1’s new celebrity music-crit show, "The List."
Let’s face it: "The List" isn’t very accurate at picking talented musicians. Sports stars and TV personalities usually know very little about music, so Tina Turner ends up on every best-of list (including "best live performance"), while Van Halen circa David Lee Roth is cut. Bah humbug, I say.
This said, after watching the premiere of "The List," I found myself compelled to ask some Detroit musicians who they would pick to be in their favorite, all-star, dream band.
THE PANELISTS
D. Moon: Potty Mouth Sissies.
Bob Ebeling: One-half ebeling hughes.
The Impaler: Evil vampire rapper.
Fathead: Electronic wo-manipulations specialist, Morsel.
Alex Lumelsky: Folk singer-songwriter.
David Stroughter: Mainman P.S. I Love You, Ex-Majesty Crush.
VisionEar: Futuristic electronic multimedia artist.
Mike Dorn: Witty performer of acoustic songs and parodies.
Sean Ike: Fathers of the Id (Ike compiled a dream band with more than 50 members. We included some.)
INTROS & CAVEATS
VisionEar: "The music of the universe is very large and diverse. There are many non-humanoids participating in the great astral sound medium. There are names that I can neither pronounce nor spell. Suffice to say, I believe we are not alone. Despite earthlings’ restrictions of making music in an oxygen-based world, I have assembled a small selection of favorites with talents appealing to me in this present moment."
D. Moon: "Besides the background singers, my dream band is realistic and would sound pretty good ... it’d be interesting anyway."
Impaler: "(This is) the greatest band in history!"
Stroughter aka David Lee Muscles: "As I sit and ponder the band of my dreams, I can hardly contain my Oingo Boingo, if you know what I mean. Cuz I is a bidness man, and man could you do some biz with what I’m ‘bouts to lay on you peeps."
Without further ado, may we introduce the players, starting at the bottom of the lineup — the musical bottom, that is:
BASS
Lumelsky, Dorn: Paul McCartney
Impaler, Ebeling: John Paul Jones
Stroughter: Phil Lynott (Thin Lizzy). "This black Irishman could outdrink you, then kick your ass, which comes in handy on the road. Try telling big, drunkass Phil Lynott you ain’t got his pay. I chose him just for the AKF (Ass Kickin’ Factor)."
Moon: Peter Steele (Type O Negative). "Pluses: tallest player in the league, can roll his eyeballs back, chain bass-strap — Minuses: Once, he whipped it out for Playgirl."
VisionEar: Bill Laswell
Ike: Bootsy Collins
LEAD GUITAR
The Impaler: Jeff Beck.
Ike, Dorn, Stroughter: Jimi Hendrix. "If anyone has anyone other than Jimi Hendrix for their guitarist, I’ll kick their ass! There’s simply no one in the same league as Jimi. ‘If 6 Was 9’ is quintessential Hendrix. Energy is the operative word. Jimi Hendrix on guitar equals excitement!" notes Stroughter.
Lumelsky: George Harrison
Moon: Jim Heath (aka Reverend Horton Heat): "Pluses: crazy skills — Minuses: There’s nothing bad about the Rev."
RHYTHM GUITAR
Ike: Keith Richards
The Impaler: Eric Clapton. "You have to have two in case Beck walks out on you."
VisionEar: "On electronic guitar and beats, VisionEar"
Ebeling: Peter Hammill. "He would add the psychosis and dichotomy."
DRUMS
Moon: Gizmak Da Gusha (Gwar). "Why not?"
Ebeling, Lumelsky: Ringo Starr. "Circa Magical Mystery Tour. Feel, tone, cool fills, and he knows how to hold back, unlike most musicians," says Ebeling.
Fathead: The three drummers from Crash Worship.
The Impaler: Carl Palmer (Emerson, Lake and Palmer). "The only guy with a big drum set that uses the whole thing," notes Impaler (neglecting Neal Peart —ed.).
Ike: Stewart Copeland (Police). "Him or Bob Marley’s drummer. ‘Family Man’ Barrett? Charlie Barrett?" (Carlton Barrett —ed.)
Ike, take two: Tito Puente. "On percussion with Sheila E. Laugh all you want, she plays a kit better than most and on timbales she kicks azzz."
Stroughter: Kurt Cobain. "It’s a little-known fact that Mr. Cobain played drums. I would resurrect him and stick his angst-ridden soul on the biggest Ludwigs you’ve ever seen. His favorite drummer was John Bonham and that’s why he loved Dave Grohl so much; he emulated Bonham. If Cobain had stuck with playing drums, he’d probably be alive today. Pounding the hell out of something is the best therapy for everyone."
Dorn: Paul Simon. "On African drums. The man has got some culture."
VOCALIST
Ebeling: Dave Gilmour (Pink Floyd). "On vocals and guitar. His solos are emotionally beautiful, and his voice is resonant and peaceful (Roger Waters has to write the lyrics for him, though)."
Stroughter, take one: Roger Waters. "Waters has volumes of material he’s written. Dark Side of the Moon and The Wall contain more essential listening than most fuckers can create in a lifetime. If he could wipe that ‘my dog just got run over by a train’ look off his face, perhaps he’d make the final cut. No pun intended."
Dorn: James Brown
VisionEar: Björk
Ike: Aretha Franklin, Stevie Wonder, Ray Charles, Jeff Buckley, Howlin’ Wolf, Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan ...
Moon: Al Jourgensen (Ministry). "Pluses: drug addiction, vocal style — Minuses: rumored to throw his own vomit at people backstage."
Lumelsky: John Lennon
The Impaler: The Impaler. "I’m not the best vocalist but ..."
Fathead: Edwin McCain. "On the ‘Yeeaauh!’ Let’s hear it for the ‘90’s male vocal style of choice."
Stroughter, take two: Richard Ashcroft (the Verve). "I had the pleasure of seeing Verve’s first American show, in New York City, circa 1992. Ashcroft had more star power than a supernova. You couldn’t take your eyes off him. He’d go down on his knees à la Mick Jagger or Rod Stewart — he’d clap his hands — he’d mouth things like a fish when he wasn’t singing. If you’ve ever seen a young Richard Ashcroft singing "Man Called Sun" as a hungry motherfucker, fresh off the boat from working-class Wigan, England, then you’ve seen a rock star. Mine eyes have seen the glory. Five years prior to "Bittersweet Symphony," Neptune Records’ Michael Segal and I drank cooking sherry and smoked sweet leaf with Ashcroft three nights in a row at the College Music Seminar. Each day word of mouth grew and each day more people were on hand to see him. British writers call him Mad Richard. I call him a New Shaman Romantic. He wants to be the best singer in the world and I think he is."
BACKGROUND VOCALS
Moon: Britney Spears, Shania Twain. "Eye-candy."
VisionEar: Tuvan throat singers
Dorn: Koko Taylor, the Eagles, CSN, Mormon Tabernacle Choir. "Anyone have a pitch pipe?"
PIANO-KEYBOARDS
Impaler: Keith Emerson
Ebeling: John Paul Jones. "... like a Motown man."
Lumelsky: John Lennon
Dorn: Stevie Wonder. "Chord progressions from heaven."
Moon: Jerry Lee Lewis. "Pluses: married his 14-year-old cousin — Minuses: senility."
VisionEar: Brian Eno
Ike: Dr. John
And the rest of the band ...
HORNS
VisionEar: Rhys Chatham
Ike: Miles, Coltrane, Maceo
AIR GUITAR
Fathead: Yanni
TOASTER
Dorn: Heywood Banks. "Toasters have been a longtime part of my schtick; I’ve worn them, wrote poems about them, smashed them to pieces, but this guy beat me to playing one."
ROADIES
Ebeling: Billboard’s current Top 200 artists.
You may have noticed that Lumelsky’s dream band was the Beatles. You may also notice that James Brown and Dr. John would be funking it up with Bootsy Collins and, potentially, Stevie Wonder! Jason Lymangrover plays all instruments in the band Squank. E-mail [email protected]
