10 songs about masturbation, in honor of all the solitary valentines out there 

Turning Japanese

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Music and masturbation go together like — well, just. They go together very well, OK? Let's skip this part and talk about the songs.

"Pictures of Lily," The Who, 1967

Undoubtedly the best song on this list, so it has to go first. The lyrics to this lovely song about jerking off to photos of a comely young lass in order to combat insomnia are a bit gross for two reasons. First, it's the father who gives the narrator the pics. That's not supposed to happen, at least not out in the open. Second, Lily has been dead since 1929!

"She Bop," Cyndi Lauper, 1987

Coming in at No. 15 on the PMRC's "Filthy Fifteen" hit list in 1985, Lauper later told Howard Stern that she had recorded her vocals for this incredibly catchy song while nude.

"Body Of My Own," Charli XCX, 2014

Released two months ago, Charli XCX's album Sucker brims with bawdy fun and fresh pop sounds. This artist comes across as if she does not have a single fuck in the world to give, which makes her own masturbation ode even more apropos.

"Dancing With Myself," Billy Idol, 1981

I grew up in a suburban home that had MTV in the 1980s. So I lived through this song. We had nothing else to do, so we just watched the same videos over and over again. Originally recorded with his punk band Gen X, the tune was not a hit until the guy went solo (appropriately enough, nudge nudge, wink wink).

"Fingers," Pink, 2006

And here we have a song that is known to be about the artist videotaping herself while masturbating. If that's not progress, what is? Wikipedia adds that "she said she probably didn't need to add to the number of songs about masturbation, but she couldn't help herself." Thanks for thinking of us, Pink.

"Turning Japanese," Vapors, 1980

This British band denies the song is about masturbation. Come on, dudes — it's OK! We all do it. We don't all get the chance to be one-hit wonders, however, which the Vapors remain at this point.

"Ooops (Oh My)," Tweet featuring Missy Elliott, 2002

Does the artist Tweet have a Twitter account? I couldn't find it if so. This Timbaland production still sounds great, if you've not listened to it in a while — I know I hadn't.

"Shock the Monkey," Peter Gabriel, 1982

Were the early '80s a giant time for popular jerkoff songs, or am I just old so these are the ones I can think of? Regardless, this song is actually not about the subject at hand, though is often misinterpreted to be so I'll keep it here anyway.

"The Stroke," Billy Squier, 1981

I only lived in a dorm at NYU for a year and a half, but once, I got on the elevator and there was Squier, clearly heading to the room of a friend of mine to have sex with her. I never liked his music at the time, but I love all the later hip-hop songs by people who sample him, especially Dizzee Rascall. This song is the least subtle song on this list of not-subtle songs.

"Darling Nikki," Prince, 1984

Let's end with the second-best song on the list, a number naturally written, arranged, produced, and performed by Prince, the sexiest midget to ever roam the earth. This raw, electrifying tune (which topped that PMRC "Filthy Fifteen" list) was weirdly not released as a single on its own, probably to encourage album sales.

More by Mike McGonigal

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