Get wet

Keeping cool means thinking like a kid and going with the flow.

by Jon M. Gibson
5/3/00

Forget philosophy – just have fun.

Global warming is guaranteed to heat up this summer’s air, so keeping cool with gallons upon gallons of water will surely be the simplest vacation from the scorching sun. Whether you swim in it, run through it, spray it, soak your friends with it, drink it, fish in it, tread in it or simply enjoy paddling through it, just make sure to keep an open mind.

Michigan is surrounded by hundreds of miles of beaches, harbors and shores. Our state was created by giant glaciers melting, scraping and grinding their way across the continent – that’s how fundamental water is to our lives. But it’s summer. Forget the philosophy. Isn’t it about time we thought about the many fun uses for this particular liquid?

Sure, sporting a basic swimsuit is an obvious choice for any homebound, air-conditioned victim – as is the easily mastered art of sloshing around in the deep end of a cement-clad pool. But once you’ve patted your chlorine-drenched hair with a towel, think about other possibilities.

Child’s play

First, tap into a 10-year-old’s mind. Avoid the beach for a few days and explore the many options that the faucet offers. Just 99 cents buys plenty of balloon ammo – a perfect, crashing transition into a full-blown water war. Toys ‘R’ Us stocks other weapons, such as several high-tech, newly improved versions of the famous Super Soaker line. With double barrels, easy pump action and 100 percent saturation guaranteed, one spray from any of these plastic guns’ adjustable tips will surely invoke a modern-day, live-action liquid ballet. Wearing expansion backpacks and waist-side refills will definitely help wear your opponent thin.

Fountain of youth

Squirt gun rampages are only the beginning of fluid summer pastimes. For the more daring touch-and-go water jockey, there is always the infamous act of fountain jumping.

Don’t even bother rolling up your pants. Jump in and start circling the inevitable sculpture in the middle of the fountain without a care in the world – minus shoes, of course. The planning, anticipation and reliving are at least a day’s worth of amusement.

Chances are that police will eventually break up your actual in-fountain antics if you extend them beyond a few minutes, but the soul always needs to experience a little danger to feel alive, right?

The big splashdown

Not as free-spirited as Robin Williams in The Fisher King? Attempt an imitation of Claire Danes and Kate Beckinsale’s mischief from Brokedown Palace. Although it won’t be quite as risky as it could be in China, "pool hopping" should still supply a sufficient rush. Venture into freeway motel territory. Choose randomly, but make sure your targeted place isn’t extremely trashy. Skip the check-in at the front desk and bare your skin for a group of complete strangers. Make a ruckus, splash and play until the lifeguard finally stops reading her romance novel. Then, use the "eenie-meenie-minie-moe" method to choose your next target.

Whatever floats your boat

After your dangerous mood has dissolved, the cops have stopped at the local 7-Eleven and the hotel manager has finally let go of your elastic waistband, there are a few more calm thrills to investigate.

Dial the number of your closest lakeside friend and tell him to gas up the speedboat. After a few tumbles and belly drags, water skis might actually seem like something not completely impossible to master. For an alternative – and less stressful – ride, inflate that store-bought inner tube and hold on. And maybe, if you’re brave enough, you won’t need a tube at all.

Oh, and don’t forget the utterly extraordinary wet T-shirt – possibly the most primitive way to indulge with water. Gotta keep your cool somehow.

Jon M. Gibson always keeps his cool.