Fair way from the fairway

Even when you can't get to the golf course, there are still ways to indulge that obsession.

by Dennis Shea
5/3/00

The "Did somebody say mulligan?" tour.

Sometimes cruel weather prevents us from playing the cruelest of games. How does the rain- (or snow-) bound golfer fill the void until sunny skies, and par, again falsely beckon? Indoor and off-course worlds of golf at least beat endless waiting in some rain-soaked clubhouse.

Virtually there

The first stop on our "Did somebody say mulligan?" tour is Circa 1890 Saloon (5474 Cass Ave.), a well-stocked bar by the Wayne State campus. We can leave the knickers and spikes behind here. It’s a quiet midafternoon spot for some video golf and hand-eye-Michelob coordination practice.

Settle a pitcher and a full-lube cheeseburger on a corner table by the machine. Twiddle the big control ball while stabbing at two buttons microseconds apart – without spilling your beer onto the machine. It’s a job for a pro.

Rats! You’re in the trees. The animated on-screen player breaks a club over his knee, pulls a little Bud from his tiny cooler. Man, the challenge of getting through 18!

It looks like a technological step down is needed. Across campus are the undergrad library’s Community Access Terminals. Goal: Check out miniature golf and Putt-Putt online at www.
putt-putt.com.

This vague virtual likeness of a kiddie version of the least action-filled sport is also a big pain to set up, with numerous computer operations required to bring Putt-Putt on-screen. The site’s corny, too, with bright graphics such as a toothy, grinning, wild orange golf ball and "Buster Ball’s Fun Zone."

And then there’s Mika’s Down Under Miniature Golf Course at www.contrib.andrew.cmu.edu/~wall/course. Lopsided photos show a $340 basement course built of plastic train parts and toys. Course now closed due to cat interest and interference.

If no pets interfere with your golf, A-1 Miniature Golf of Rio Grande, N.J., will build you a layout. Only $135,000 (windmill repairman fees undoubtedly extra). Visit www.a-1minigolf.com, or call 1-800-A1-MINI-GOLF.

Low tech, high score?

Two old-fashioned, graphically uninteresting, kneel-on-the-floor games – one with board and charts, one with only dice – have the same name, Rainy Day Golf. These are not adult games. But they’re decidedly inexpensive and obsession-proof. (No one loses sleep waiting to play them.) The only conceivable "systems error" that could occur here would be to lose the dice.

If you seek more adult games at the golf course, the American Singles Golf Association is open to singles. Having a partner who’s never heard your golf stories is many a golfer’s dream. (Call 800-649-6381 for info on how to join.)

Back to reality

We leave giga-gizmo golf and approach reality at the sunny Belle Isle Driving Range and Practice Facility (313-852-4106). Big drivers and bigger talkers slam balls off the mats. A good after-work crowd tunes up for weekend rounds.

The completely restructured facility is spanking new down to the shiny tokens which let you procure buckets of balls. Range personnel are friendly, obviously proud of their spiffy surroundings. The range target scenery is graded, with greens, sand traps and flags color-coded for distance. Chipping and sand practice areas are available; there’s also a $3 practice putting green.

Why not combine the short game workouts on the inviting five-hole, $5 course? No hole exceeds 50 yards, but it’s up and down, with big greens and traps. And views of the river and placid Detroit skyline can calm 6-foot-putt nerves.

Shop it out

No golf report would be complete without two words – Tiger Woods. As in the distinctive, striped Tiger Woods club head covers found at Royal Oak’s Pro Golf store (27754 Woodward Ave.). Tiger merchandise isn’t as hot as it was, says a Pro Golf salesman, but he’s had an effect. Even for bogey shoppers, this season’s clear standouts are MSU and U-M logo gear and golf bags, sweater vests, Gore-Tex rain jackets (for that perfect November up-north tee time), and golf saddle shoes for men and women.

Earth-toned apparel is also prominent on the racks. Greens, grays and browns give great camouflage if you’re prone to frequent red-faced trips through the woods. And the most recent top golf gadget is the Swing-Rite weighted learning tool. It’s a heavy club with the proper grip grooved right into the rubber, ah, grip. This is for practice time outdoors, and proves once again that pets and golf rarely mix.

You may see by now that this guide is more fore those who are familiar with a "snowman" (8 on a hole) than with a "birdie." Just remember: You’ll never find any balls if you keep on looking up.

Dennis Shea’s latest golf score was lower than his IQ.